In a sports world gone mad — where receivers and refs are imprisoned; where divas are a dime a dozen; where a Blackhawk punched a cabbie like he was being driven by a Red Wing — it’s refreshing to know there’s always Shaquille O’Neal, 37 going on 7. The Cavaliers’ 7-foot-1 center is a gregarious giant, a human “upper.”
And for his latest trick, he’s starring in an ABC show called “Shaq Vs.” It’s Shaq vs., for instance, Michael Phelps in a swimming race, with a prerace handicap determined, in order to make it competitive. It’s Shaq vs. Albert Pujols in a home run hitting contest. And it’s Shaq, along with Olympic beach volleyball player Todd Rogers, vs. the legendary duo Kerri Walsh and Misty May- Treanor. If Shaq’s squad loses, the Los Angeles Times reports he will run across California’s Hermosa Beach in a pink Speedo.
“Our real hope is you come for the absurdity but you stay for the sport,” John Saade, co-chief of ABC’s reality programming, told USA Today.
This show got me thinking. Who else should we pit Shaq against?
How about . . .
Shaq vs. San Francisco’s Pablo Sandoval in a scoring-from-first-on-a-double race. One of them has gotta make it all the way around, right?
Shaq vs. student body of Lowry Elementary in a free-throw contest. I’ll take Lowry.
Shaq vs. the field on “Dancing With the Stars.”
Shaq vs. the field on “America’s Next Top Model.”
Shaq as Avalanche goalie vs. NHL. Can’t get much worse, right?
Shaq vs. yoga (and, for that matter, physics).
Shaq vs. the bulls in Pamplona. Bulls might end up running from him.
Shaq vs. the menu at the Rocky Mountain Diner. He might stumble at the huevos rancheros, but I have faith in the big guy.
Shaq vs. Earl Boykins’ uniform.
Shaq vs. Kate Plus 8. Shaq moves into the home of reality TV star Kate Gosselin (she of the worst haircut since Flock of Seagulls), and he serves as a lovable father-figure to the rabble-rousing eight children (while the kids’ actual father takes out college-aged dates with rap sheets).
Shaq vs. Raiders coach Tom Cable. Watch out for that right hook, Shaq!
Shaq vs. whomever is in the Alaska governor’s race. Because, apparently, anyone can run that state.
