Dear Margo: I am 35 years old, married for two years. Surprisingly, I have a 17-month-old daughter and am four months pregnant — despite the fact that my husband does not want to have sex with me. (Only four times in two years. We have been very lucky!) He is emotionally distant, not affectionate, always stressed and angry that I am not a better housewife, even though I do try my best to be a good mother and wife. I was able to cope OK for the first two years, but now that I am pregnant again, I am extremely depressed about our relationship. When I try to express my feelings and needs to him, he accuses me of playing games to manipulate him and becomes verbally abusive if I press the issue. He seems to love his daughter, but has reacted negatively about the expected baby — even though he was the one who suggested getting pregnant! If it were not for the children, I would leave him instantly. How do I reach this man and transform my marriage? I am a child of divorce and hate the idea of putting my children through the same ordeal. I know I could not bear a separation or divorce during my pregnancy or while trying to care for a newborn and a toddler, but my days of misery with my husband are really starting to take a heavy toll on me and, in turn, on our daughter. My greatest wish is for our children to have a normal, stable home life in which they can thrive. — Teary in Arkansas
Dear Tear: I agree that you should do nothing until the new baby arrives and you are comfortable in the routine of caring for two little ones. While recognizing (and sympathizing) with your wish to provide a stable home life, I am doubtful this is possible with a man who has mandated sex as a twice-a-year procedural; is emotionally distant, stressed and angry; complains; and is totally uninterested in how you feel about anything. I actually don’t think a “transformation” is possible. There is too much wrong with him. You do not have to live like this. As for your wish for a stable home life, that is possible with a mother who is not wildly unhappy. Bide your time, and then leave. — Margo, recuperatively
Culture clash
Dear Margo: What do you think of this situation? My friend, a 40-year-old divorced father of two, thought he had fallen in love with a 37-year-old virgin of the Muslim faith. (She and her family live in the U.S. My friend is not Muslim.) In a year of being engaged, they have never kissed or touched. He now feels this is a mistake and has tried twice to break off the engagement, but her family has told him, “Once you commit to marriage with a Muslim woman, you cannot back out.” Needless to say, this is a serious dilemma. My friend confided this to me and I am concerned. What would you tell him if you were me? — Fearful
Dear Fear: I do not find this such a serious dilemma because the woman’s Muslim family lives in this country and their religious rules and customs apply only to them. Neither the United States nor any religion practiced here forbids the breaking of an engagement, just as we do not stone adulterers or have honor killings. I’d advise your friend man up, call it a day and suggest this woman would be happier with someone of her own faith. If the family becomes threatening, he has recourse to a restraining order or the Department of Immigration. — Margo, factually
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
