Dear Amy: My wife and I have been married for nine (mostly wonderful) years.
Through ups and downs, trials and tribulations, we’ve managed to stay together. We have a beautiful 4-year-old son whom we both love dearly, and a fairly successful 25-year-old daughter from my previous relationship.
Two years ago, my wife realized that I was having an affair and figured out I had had one four years earlier.
When she caught me, I confessed, and she and our son moved out. We made several attempts to reconcile, but she would monitor my cellphone and occasionally requested that I “change the number” or “unlock it” so she could access my phone’s history.
Even when I was doing great husbandly and family-man stuff, I found myself being interrogated.
She would even call the women whose numbers were on my phone.
I’ve stopped pursuing these women, but my wife is filing for a divorce, and I’ve told her I’ll give it to her because I can’t stand the thought of having to pay for things I did a long time ago.
My wife is still a sweetheart of a woman, but if I have to come home to her questions and insecurities, I’m going to have a problem with that.
Amy, I want my family back, but I’m not going to put up with my wife’s insecurities and interrogation.
Am I wrong? — Unhappy
Dear Unhappy: You are wrong on many levels, but you are mainly wrong about this: A woman who has been betrayed repeatedly will need the person who betrayed her to prove, sometimes repeatedly, that he is no longer cheating or about to cheat.
You seem confused about this; so let’s clear it up.
Your wife, if she were to stay with you, would need to pick through your cellphone, your e-mail in-box, your wastebasket, your Facebook friends and anything else she might choose to investigate until she was satisfied that you were no longer cheating.
Your wife’s behavior, which you think of as insecurity, is a natural consequence of your behavior. If you want a different outcome, then choose to behave differently.
Dear Amy: I found out a couple of weeks before we were supposed to get married that my fiance chose the same wedding date as his first marriage. Obviously, we didn’t get married.
I was disgusted, and everyone I know agrees that it was sleazy, but he doesn’t see the harm, feels no remorse and, what’s worse, he was mad at me for being upset with him.
He refuses to apologize! What just happened here? Tell me, can an otherwise very caring man really be this insensitive? — Downright Disgusted
Dear Disgusted: I agree that your fiance made “a poor choice.” Was this a hostile message directed at you or a crazy, misguided attempt by your fiance to choose a date he would never forget, thereby guaranteeing that he would always remember your anniversary?
You’ll never know if you don’t discuss it, calmly, rationally and without any sharp objects nearby.
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