8:00 a.m. I arrived at school and waited outside the classroom during the morning moment of silence. I am excused from this, since my family does not believe in God or in silence.
8:10 a.m. A note from my father excused me from American Lit. We are studying Steinbeck this week and he wants to shield me from the anti-corporate, socialist bias of “The Grapes of Wrath.” He says it is all about protecting the interests of the American consumer. I used the time to buy jeans online with his Wal-mart credit account.
9:00 a.m. I ditched the president’s web address on the importance of staying in school and working hard. What an obvious liberal agenda! Instead, I hooked up with some gang buddies behind the gym. No one tells them where to go or what to do. I am so jealous!
10:00 a.m. I faked illness during Phys Ed. We are playing dodge ball today and my mom says it is way too violent for me. During class, I was left alone in the nurse’s office, so I played a little Grand Theft Auto on my PSP.
10:45 a.m. A note from my pastor excused me from science. He refuses to let me learn evolution unless equal time is given to creationism. He is a firm believer that we are all products of intelligent design. He must be right. I was able to send over fifty text messages with time left over. I can’t believe that people used to write letters. What a waste of words!
11:30 a.m. A note from my doctor excuses me from eating unhealthy cafeteria food, so during lunch I cruised down to the corner on my roller sneakers for a triple burger and fries.
12:30 p.m. A note from my step mom excused me from World History. She says that modern history books are filled with bleeding heart liberal bias about Jews, Indians, Blacks, and Women. Instead, I read up on the politically motivated smear campaign against water boarding.
1:15 p.m. I sat in the secretary’s office during Art class. My therapist says I am too young to be exposed to those nude sexual images. When she stepped out, I flipped through the copy of Cosmo on her desk. Great sex advice and some hot pics too!
2:00 p.m. I was excused from Spanish because my parents think everyone should just learn to speak English. They often warn me about illegal immigrants and the importance of border security to keep intruders out of our country. I used the time to update the personal info on my Facebook and MySpace pages. I’ve met so many neat people since I got into this. Someone even wants to meet me in person! Cool!
3:00 p.m. I called my dad to pick me up a little early. I was tired and I couldn’t figure out anything offensive about math, except that it’s so freaking hard. On the way home we listened to Rush Limbaugh. He smiled as the clear, reasoned voice of the masses washed over us with the truth. It was a good day. I learned a lot. I really like school.
Jerry Welte lives in Greeley. EDITOR’S NOTE: This is an online-only column and has not been edited.
