Dear Margo: I have been with my husband for 12 years. We have two sons and a very young daughter. Before I got pregnant with my daughter, I started communicating with a man, “Sean,” online. We talked because we were both unhappy with our marriages (or maybe just bored). After a few months of this, I found out I was pregnant with my husband’s baby and stopped all communication with Sean. Yet, when my daughter was 4 months old, I e-mailed Sean and we picked up where we left off. We met soon after that, started an affair and fell in love. When my husband discovered the affair, I asked him to move out, even though he wanted to work things out. Sean left his wife, and we have been seeing each other for the past six months.
Even though I have been seeing Sean, I’ve kind of kept my husband on the side … not telling him that I’m continuing the relationship with Sean, but not telling him that I want to work on our marriage, either. I just found out today that my husband has a girlfriend (he showed up at my house with three hickies on his neck) and is filing for divorce. I thought I would be relieved for this drama to be over so I could freely date Sean, but now I am having second thoughts about who I want to be with. Help! — The Grass Isn’t Always Greener in Illinois
Dear Grass: To all the men who have accused me of being a male-basher, please take note. I wish I could offer comforting words, but you are now paying a big price for a mistake. You are no longer the one doing the choosing, and I think your husband is perfectly justified in taking you at your word that you weren’t interested in working on the marriage. I suspect the hickies, I mean the girlfriend, knocked you for a loop. So … I hope things work out with Sean. — Margo, unfortunately
Dealing with a difficult answer
Dear Margo: My mom died of cancer when I was 16. I’m moving through life without her, and I think I’m doing OK. My dad and I talk about her and share our memories, but he’s dating again and I’m in college. I wonder how I can let people know that I don’t have a mother anymore, but that she was a wonderful woman and not a topic that needs to be tiptoed around. In my normal speech, I speak about her in the present tense. But if the subject of parents comes up, I will only mention my dad. It becomes difficult when I am asked: What do your parents do? “Well, my dad is an engineer, and my mom is dead.” I don’t know what to say. It’s not that I’m still mourning, but she’s gone, and there are times when people need to know, and I don’t know how to tell them. She’d know what to do. — Missing My Mother
Dear Miss: When the subject of parents comes up, or someone asks what your folks do, just say your dad’s an engineer, and your mother, before she died, was a homemaker/sculptress/doctor, whatever. It would be good, both for you and whomever you’re talking to, to say, “I really miss her, but she was wonderful and I wish you could have met her.” I think that ought to do it. — Margo, nostalgically
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
