Dear Margo: My father was unwilling to support and nurture his family and never gave my mother the love and care she deserved. When I was 13, she finally kicked him out. He moved across the country, and I haven’t seen him since. I wasn’t really upset, but rather relieved; we are so much better off without him.
I’m now 23 and recently married. I knew my father wouldn’t come to the wedding. He’s much too irresponsible and selfish to save up money for a flight and hotel … even with 20 months’ notice. In fact, he couldn’t even be troubled to send a card. After the wedding, I decided that I had started a new chapter in my life and didn’t want him involved. (His idea of “involved” is calling every couple of months to discuss the weather.) I haven’t answered any of his calls, but I’m starting to feel guilty, although I have no use for a father who can’t be bothered to attend his only daughter’s wedding (or high-school graduation or college graduation). What should I do: Suck it up, or be the bigger person, answer his calls and make small talk? Or stick to my guns and move on with my life? — Feeling Fatherless in Pennsylvania
Dear Feel: Let’s see, 23 minus 13 is 10. It sounds as though you have been comfortable for a decade with the reality that yours is no kind of father at all. I am probably alone in the advice world in being in favor of estrangements, but you need to do what feels the best for you. I have a hunch it is not making small talk with a man you have no respect for. As I’ve said over and over, being a blood relative is an accident of DNA, and people should have a choice about whom they include in their lives. He has made his, so you needn’t be on a guilt trip. “Sticking to your guns” was an interesting choice of words — and that is what I would recommend. — Margo, preferably
Yes, there are christians in scandinavia
Dear Margo: I am writing in the hope of getting some advice regarding my faith. I was brought up in an almost atheistic society (Sweden) and currently live and work in Denmark (equally atheistic). After almost 20 years in this part of the world trying to be good and have Jesus in my life, I find it very hard, as almost no one accepts Him in these countries. I wanted to move to America where there are more God-fearing people, but it is not possible at this moment because of monetary issues. I am afraid of losing my faith living in this society. All schools, all media and most people see God as some sort of imagination and get their morals from what they think is honorable behavior. I’ve tried to speak to many of my friends, but they just laugh and say that to believe in God is “silly.” I don’t know what to do. — Bjorn
Dear Bjorn: Interestingly, I have a good friend who is Danish and living in Copenhagen. She tells me the state church is Protestant, with roughly 1 percent of the population being Catholic. Her experience is that most children get christened (in the state church) and later, at age 14 or 15, are confirmed in their faith by the local vicar. She e-mailed that the church doesn’t play a very big role in daily life, but that “I think our society has a general belief in God, though polls show that fewer and fewer attend church on a regular basis. Religion is taught as a subject throughout high school. If you compare us to some of the ultra-conservative, anti-abortion factions in the U.S., you might conclude that we are an atheist society. However, one extreme to the other.”
It is hard to believe that Protestants and Catholics in Scandinavia do not accept Jesus. I suggest you go to a local church and become involved. My friend tells me there are young Christian societies. My instinct tells me you need new friends. — Margo, faithfully
