Dear Margo: I am 31, and my brother is 28. Our parents divorced five years ago. Our father is remarried to a woman with a 12-year-old daughter, “Leigh.” She is not especially bright, but she isn’t a hopeless nitwit. Our dad, however, is quite cruel to her. He calls her “Brain Damage” to her face (which Leigh thinks is a joke), writes e-mails to us about stupid things she does and rolls his eyes when she says something dumb. He’s also rather abrupt when talking to her. I’m not sure how much Leigh picks up on yet, but I’m certain she’ll figure it out sooner or later. She is a good kid who doesn’t give anyone much trouble. I really love my dad and am not sure how to approach him with this. I’ve tried speaking with him about it, but it doesn’t do any good. I’m afraid if I do talk to him more seriously, he’ll continue to do it when we’re not around. He was an excellent dad to my brother and me; we never saw this side of him. — Stepsister with Concerns
Dear Step: Your distress is very compassionate and clear-eyed. I would think the child’s mother would have weighed in on this issue, but apparently not. Because you say your dad was such a good father to you and your brother, I would try one more time to have a serious talk. The tack I would take is to point out that because he was such a great dad to you, you’re surprised at his lack of caring for a child who needs kindness, not derision. You might also suggest that his wife would surely appreciate his support, and that you are frankly stunned at what you consider his “cruelty.” Perhaps hearing this from you will wake him up to his callous-sounding behavior. — Margo, supportively
When memories impinge on reality
Dear Margo: I’m a 23-year-old medical student with a dilemma. I’ve been with a man I love for four years, but I can’t forget my ex. We dated off and on from when I was 14 until I was 19, and I truly believe he is the love of my life. We recently reconnected after years of avoiding contact because I knew any contact would only make the feelings I have for him stronger. However, I could no longer resist communicating with him, and we have been talking for the past couple of months via e-mail and telephone. We broke up because he needed to work through some personal issues and felt he needed to do that alone. Now that we’ve both grown up quite a bit, I can’t help feeling that I owe it to myself to give us another chance. On the other hand, I have my long-term relationship with a man who has been willing to move across the country with me three times due to my schooling, and who says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I can’t shake my feelings for this ex, however, and I really don’t know what to do. I don’t want to ruin a good thing with my boyfriend, but I don’t want to live a life of regret. — Torn in Two
Dear Torn: It would be crazy to go ahead with something you are unsure of, and unfair to the boyfriend. Tell him you don’t want to ruin his life, and you must settle something in your own thinking before you move forward. Take a break. You could lose both of them, or you could figure out whether or not the “ghost” of the old beau is viable. Sometimes there is an unreal aura to one’s first love. I think doubts are better dealt with before marriage. — Margo, fairly
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
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