Let’s keep it real. You will never, ever get closer to a supermodel named Gisele than the pages of an old Victoria’s Secret catalog or look sexy wearing a milk mustache or be as cool as NFL stud Tom Brady.
But, one of these years, you might bump into Kyle Orton at the Colorado State Fair and actually have a shot at knocking over more milk bottles on the carnival midway than he can topple.
The Broncos quarterback with the bent noodle for an arm is one of us.
Orton is a regular guy with a bad haircut. His favorite jokes are the ones he cracks on himself. He toasts life’s victories with Jack and Coke.
So it beats me. I don’t understand it.
Why have Broncomaniacs been so slow to embrace Orton?
He is the anti-Brady.
Or as Orton once explained in my favorite quote from him since he hit town: “This ain’t a game where it’s always gonna be pretty.”
Brady has ascended to the status of NFL legend at age 32. He wins Super Bowl rings and poses for magazine photo shoots while wearing a wet T-shirt. Refs treat him like a Faberge egg.
Orton is the quarterback from down the block, and the last time anybody noticed anything about his T-shirt, it was probably a mustard stain. His roots in the heartland run deeper than a whole field of Iowa corn.
If that’s not enough for you to cheer for Orton when the Broncos play New England, then there’s something wrong.
But what you wanna bet that when the Patriots take the field in Denver, there will be more fans in the stadium wearing Brady jerseys than the No. 8 of Orton?
In my book, the list of franchise quarterbacks in the NFL begins with Peyton Manning, ends with Brady and the only other name worth mentioning in the same breath is Ben Roethlisberger. It’s not Orton’s fault that Jay Cutler told the Broncos to take the QB job and shove it on the dark side of Mount Evans.
After managing to win the four games he has started for Denver, Orton owns a higher passer rating than Philip Rivers or Tony Romo, yet Orton still gets bashed on fan websites dedicated to the team, such as , where a review fresh off Denver’s win against Dallas griped: “Right now, I feel like I’m watching a time bomb. No picks yet, but a five-interception game is right around the corner. . . . Bottom line is I don’t trust him.”
Crafting a 25-12 record as an NFL quarterback doesn’t really count for Orton in the eyes of many Broncomaniacs, because a gunslinging Cutler could inspire fantasies of John Elway, while “game manager” brings back bad memories of Brian Griese.
Did the Broncos have to pick today to break out the vertically striped socks and bring back a worse look from the 1960s than shag carpet? Was it really necessary to dress up Orton in retro colors inspired by a brown trout?
The Denver quarterback isn’t naive. Orton already knows he will never appear as dashing in a uniform as Brady, who is so GQ handsome that NFL rule-makers are constantly researching and developing new penalties to keep him from getting bruised.
We all see the differences. Brady is headed for the Hall of Fame without a doubt. Landing a long-term contract with the Broncos would be a dream for Orton.
But in a football city as sophisticated as Denver, isn’t it about time we stop judging quarterbacks on style points?
Lose to the Patriots, and the Orton-bashers will cite it as solid proof Denver can never, ever win another Super Bowl without an elite QB.
Despite the fact his career record against the Broncos is 1-5, including a 100-yard interception that cost New England a playoff victory, Brady will always be regarded as a winner in Colorado.
Maybe Broncomaniacs need to ask themselves:
Is this a football game or a beauty contest?
Mark Kiszla: 303-954-1053 or mkiszla@denverpost.com
