Dear Margo: I am very worried about my boyfriend. “Lake” is 21, 6 feet tall and 140 pounds. Lately he’s begun eating less and less — like one salad per day along with coffee and diet soda. He told me he was “just trying to lose a few pounds,” but I think this might be something more serious. He now insists that we walk if we’re going somewhere, and he runs for at least an hour every day. Could this be the start of anorexia? He has certainly had a stressful few years. His parents disowned him when they learned of his homosexuality, and before that, they always pressured him to be “perfect.” Six months ago, I underwent treatment for and successfully recovered from bulimia, so it isn’t like I’m new to the eating-disorder thing. I know how easy it is for this to get out of control. I’ve tried to convince him that he doesn’t need to diet, and that starving himself is unsafe, but he refuses to listen, saying that he doesn’t have a problem and that he knows what he’s doing. Am I overreacting, or should I keep trying to get through to him? — Blue
Dear Blue: You are not overreacting, and he needs to see someone — soon. His new habits are dangerous, and you should insist he get help and treatment. Everything you mention is a clear sign that his sexuality and his parents’ response to it have sent him into a tailspin. The fact that you lived through your own eating disorder should give you the clout to override his denials about being anorexic. Give it your best, and perhaps tell him you can’t stick around and watch him kill himself. — Margo, promptly
One Out of Three Ain’t Bad
Dear Margo: I have three lovely daughters, all in their 40s. My problem is with my youngest, who lives out of state. Our visits are very uncomfortable and are affecting my desire to visit her or to have her come here. It seems I express my opinion too much to suit her. Inevitably, I end up crying, as she gets either terribly angry or sarcastic. I never seem to see this coming and am blindsided. We apologize and make up, but the atmosphere is heavy with the anticipation of my doing or saying something “wrong” again. I don’t know what I am to say so as not to cause this strong reaction. She tells me the problem is that I act like a “know it all.” I just think we are having conversations with occasional differing opinions. Last time I visited her, I asked why she was driving on a different street than she normally takes, and she construed this as my trying to give her directions. That’s how sensitive our conversations have become. What can this be about? — Uncomfortable Mother
Dear Unc: Something is clearly getting under your daughter’s skin, and it appears to be you. This does not mean it actually is you, but that’s where her displeasure is aimed. She is prickly about something and feels, justifiably or not, that you are forever correcting her. Some people would advise you to walk on eggshells when you visit her and say very little, or agree with whatever she says. But that is not what I would do — simply because it’s too tough to put on an act for one’s child. I would take a break from the visits, and perhaps ask one of her sisters to suggest that she get to the bottom of why she finds you such an irritant. My guess is that it’s easier to blame you than whatever is the actual problem, or that she is hanging on to something from childhood that she’s never resolved. — Margo, experimentally
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
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