Men Who Stare at Notes . . .
From the e-mail bag: “There has been some Internet chat about Tommy Tuberville sightings in Boulder. Any truth there?”
I think you’re on to something, inspector. What better way to fill all those empty seats at Folsom Field than to hire a coach who averaged 11.7 points a game in his final SEC season? …
Oklahoma State coach Mike Gundy is 40!!! Dan Hawkins? He turned 49 on Tuesday, not counting those 10 extra years he’s aged this season. …
Just so you know, Hawkins isn’t going anywhere. But just the same, beating Iowa State wouldn’t be the worst thing that ever happened to him. That could come next week when the Buffs venture to Stillwater to play Oklahoma State on Thursday night. …
By the way, Hawk, Steve Fairchild asked me to thank you for overshadowing CSU’s stellar season. Granted, I made that up, but you get the point. …
Just wondering: If CU recruit Munchie Legaux makes it big in Boulder, wouldn’t he be a natural for a medical-marijuana endorsement? …
Former Nebraska tailback Thunder Collins was sentenced to life plus 110 years the other day for his role in a murder in Omaha. His attorney is appealing, apparently in an attempt to get the sentence reduced to life plus 109 years. …
Another ex-Nebraska tailback, Cory Ross of Thomas Jefferson High, is leading the UFL in rushing. The UFL? Granted, I’m about two eggs short of an omelette, but every time I hear that term I think Roswell, N.M. …
Speaking of the UFL, ex-Broncos wideout David Kircus is playing for the league’s Las Vegas franchise. I would tell you the team nickname, but I’d have to have Kircus beat you up. …
Anyway, I’m reading these comments from some Browns player saying he and his teammates need to do some soul searching. Soul searching? Dude, try job searching. The waiver wire is about to be renamed Browns R Us. …
Say, given his propensity for bringing ex-Browns to Our Town, wouldn’t Mike Shanahan be a great fit for the Cleveland gig? What’s that? Yeah, you’re right. No man should wish the Browns job on another man. …
Memo to Chad Ochocinco: I feel your pain, bubba. And come to think of it, that’s not all we have in common. My 401(k) is down to its last dollar too. …
Stan Van Gundy, calling out his players in the media after the Magic’s blowout loss to Team LeBron: “Broken record. No defense, no rebounding, not a whole lot of effort …” In their defense, though, they did take it one game at a time. …
The Nuggets have had four back-to-backs in the first two weeks of the season. What, did the service desk at Wal-Mart tell David Stern he couldn’t return something without a receipt? …
He woke up as J.R. Smith. Then he was Earl Smith III. Then, an hour to tipoff, he was J.R. Smith again. And you thought some of Britney Spears’ marriages didn’t last long. …
According to reports, several NFL teams are talking to former Chiefs tailback Larry Johnson. Let me guess. They want his views on religion and politics. …
Actually, how could a team called the Redskins not overcome the temptation to acquire Johnson and Michael Vick? …
Great news, Broncos fans. Sunday’s game vs. the ‘Skins is a gimme. Of course, in my Saturday foursome, anything inside 9 feet is good. …
Not that the Broncos’ offense needs to bounce back, but after that opening-drive field goal vs. the Steelers, every Denver possession ended in a punt or an interception. …
This just in. Red Sox catcher Jason Varitek has exercised his $3 million option to make the Red Sox look like blithering idiots for offering him a $3 million option. …
They say it’s your birthday: Curt “Table For One” Schilling (43); ex-Bronco Darrien Gordon (39); Claude Monet (169), who always scored big in the paint; and Kyle Orton (27), who has 13 fewer interceptions than his predecessor.
Jim Armstrong: 303-954-1269 or jmarmstrong@denverpost.com or catch him weekdays 7-10 a.m. on The Score with Armstrong and Shapiro on Mile High Sports Radio-1510 AM.
Bearish on Cutler
OK, so Jay Cutler doesn’t have an offensive line or any wide receivers. But 17 interceptions in nine games? Maybe he should have returned Pat Bowlen’s phone calls after all.
Kyle Orton, the man he was traded for, has thrown four interceptions in eight games. Our man Jay has thrown four or more in two different games. One more pick and Cutler will match his career high, set last season.
attributed its fake quote of the day Friday to Cutler, one day after his five-interception nightmare against San Francisco: “This is why I wanted to force my way out of Denver. I loved my teammates there. I didn’t want to put them through this.”
Oh, and, by the way, for all those who like to compare Cutler’s stats to John Elway’s? Cutler is 21-25 in his first 46 NFL starts. Elway was 33-13.
Five fearless predictions
Memo to Sammy Sosa: What were you thinking? Sosa showed up in Las Vegas recently with a bleached face, the likes of which conjured memories of the late, great Michael Jackson. Here are five predictions for what lies ahead for our man Sammy:
5. He’ll be invited back to Wrigley Field to become an honorary member of the Bleacher Bums.
4. After getting word of Sosa’s facial- cream fiasco, Barry Bonds will tell him he should have used the “clear” instead of the “cream.”
3. The Rangers will invite him to the Ballpark in Arlington to sing “Take Me Out to the Botox Clinic.”
2. He’ll sign a contract to be Al Pacino’s body double in “Scarface II.”
1. Cardinals hitting coach Mark Mc- Gwire will bump into him in Vegas and ask him about his pasty-face look. Our man Sammy will tell him: “I’m not here to talk about the paste.”
