Dear Margo: How do I fix my life? I recently left my wife of 21 years. I’d been having a two-year affair with a married woman, and I became part of the family. I interacted with her young children and was friends with her husband, as well. She played it that we were just friends. Recently, she decided she no longer wants anything to do with me because I am in contact with my wife to discuss matters having to do with our children. Her contention was that I shouldn’t have to talk with her, and that I certainly didn’t need to be nice to her. I am devastated by the loss of this relationship, but I’m also realizing what a fool I have been.
Two questions: I am sure she is ready to go out and have another fling, so do you think I should alert her husband? And second, do you think it is possible for a marriage to recover from an affair of this magnitude, and if so, what is the first step? — Kicking Myself
Dear Kick: Forgive me, but you and your former squeeze sound like a couple of lulus. Hanging out with her family is pretty low, as was her request that you not have civil communication with your children’s mother. Or any communication! Between her demands and your shared duplicity, you are well out of her life, but your marriage may be the price you paid for getting into it. Do not inform her husband, since he would not take kindly to your, uh, privileged information and could very possibly feel justified in knocking your block off. As for trying to repair the colossal damage you’ve done to your wife, your only chance is to make a sincere mea culpa, mea crazy confession, and plead for forgiveness. — Margo, forlornly
Why Not Deep Six Daddy Dearest?
Dear Margo: My husband and I have been together nearly seven years and married a year and a half. He often tells me about how he was treated as a child by his father: beaten with a belt, made to cut the lawn with a scissors and basically demeaned on a daily basis. He talks about it a lot, and I can tell it still affects him every day. The more he tells me, the harder it is for me to a) keep my mouth shut and b) visit his parents — which I rarely do now anyway. Lately I have not been so good at keeping my mouth shut, and I’ve told him he’s not obligated to have this jerk in his life. He wasn’t upset with me for saying it, but I do not want to walk down that slippery slope. When he talks about it, how can I respond in a supportive way, without badmouthing his family, which I feel could backfire on me? — Biting My Tongue … Barely, in Minnesota
Dear Bite: I suspect you’ve already badmouthed his family, so consider yourself on the record. What would be supportive, I think, and helpful is if the next time he brings up the abuse you tell him you’ve been thinking about what he’s repeatedly told you, and a positive way to put all this behind him would be to see a therapist who could help him to excise the demons and lay the unhappy past to rest. This is just a guess, but a professional might tell him it would feel mighty good to bag the visits altogether. You can suggest that you entertain his mother, alone, when it’s convenient for her … assuming he does not consider her complicit. — Margo, restoratively
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
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