Dear Amy: What is the appropriate course of action to take when someone who tormented you daily in high school and over a couple of years of college asks to be your friend on Facebook?
This behavior happened 40 years ago, so should I assume this person has changed for the better and then take the high road and accept him or her as a “friend”?
Or do I click the “Ignore” button and send a message of consequence?
I’ve asked this question of my circle of friends and relatives and received answers in favor of both choices.
I’m sure I’m not the only one with this quandary in our new world of social media. What do you say? — Friend?
Dear Friend: People seem to use Facebook in a variety of ways. For some users, Facebook is just another venue to broadcast their latest activities to anyone with enough time to devote to keeping up. They accumulate “friends,” are not discerning about their contacts and are simply into quantity.
Other people take Facebook as an opportunity to make, renew or keep up with actual friends. For them, the Facebook experience is very personal.
I say it’s your life, your page and your choice. If you don’t want to accept this person into your virtual life, then don’t.
Dear Amy: My partner and I live together and have been together for two years.
We are about 50 years old. Recently, my partner told me she wanted to smoke pot (I didn’t know she smoked before we met). She said she needs it to relax. She says everyone she knows does it and it is almost legal.
I do not want a partner who gets high, but in an attempt to compromise, I told her it was OK as long as she did it in front of me. She agreed but has failed to hold up her end of the deal (she has smoked four times in the last 12 days and kept it a secret from me).
She says I am trying to control her like a parent. Now it feels like this is more about trust than pot.
Am I too uptight about pot, and was my compromise unreasonable? — Sad
Dear Sad: You have correctly identified this as being about trust and control.
You should not insist that your partner get high in front of you, however. That’s demeaning to both of you.
You have made it clear that you don’t like her pot use. Now you must decide whether you want to live with someone who “needs” to get high.
Tell your partner that you recognize she has choices to make in life. She can determine her own actions.
You have choices too. If you don’t want to live with her under these circumstances, tell her — and then be prepared to actually leave the relationship.
If you stay with your partner, you would benefit from attending Nar-Anon meetings. This group offers support to the friends and families of people who abuse mind-altering substances. Check .
Dear Amy: My son is getting married in the near future. He comes from a small family with only one sister. The bride-to-be comes from a large family, also with one sister.
My son’s only sister has not been asked to be a part of the wedding party.
I feel his sister should be a bridesmaid to represent his side of the family.
Am I wrong on this? My daughter is very hurt that her only brother did not include her and I feel caught in the middle. — Mother of the Groom
Dear MTG: The bride and groom get to choose their wedding attendants, just as they will choose their clergy, caterer and guest list.
I agree with you that it would be kind and inclusive for the bride and groom to ask your daughter to be an attendant, but this is their choice — not yours — to make.
You will only be caught in the middle if you allow yourself to be put there. Don’t.
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