Some of my best friends play golf, but I’ve never felt any compulsion to join them on the links. Back when I felt a need to knock balls into holes with sticks, I could always find a snooker table.
From my jaundiced perspective, golf exists so rich guys can stroll around as they complain about their uppity minimum-wage chattels when they’re not engaging in conspiracies to fix prices.
Thus I didn’t follow Tiger Woods at all, let alone the big endorsement contracts that he now appears to be losing. But his downfall did make me wonder about the value of celebrity endorsements in general.
When I consider my possessions, I can’t think of a single thing that I bought because someone famous endorsed it.
Granted, I pay some heed to endorsements. When a friend said he was pleased with his Ryobi electric wood-splitter, that’s what I bought after my shoulders started aching too much from the eight-pound maul. When the owner of the local tire shop said I should get BFGoodrich Long Trail tires for my pickup, that’s what I got. Because my tech-savvy friends commend Seagate hard drives and Asus motherboards, that’s what I use when building my own computer.
But when you look at celebrity endorsements, it gets more complicated. Presumably Tiger Woods knows plenty about golf, so his endorsement of clubs might be of some relevance — even though buying the world’s finest clubs is no more likely to make you a great golfer than buying the world’s finest keyboard is going to make you a great writer.
Past that, though, who cares about his shirt, cap, bag, sport drink, wristwatch or razor? Somebody must, because various companies paid about $90 million last year to be associated with Woods, and presumably they get something for their money.
So if celebrity endorsements aren’t going to go away, we might as well get ready for some new ones:
“Did you say something in the past that might cause embarrassment now if you remembered it? Banish it from your consciousness with natural organic Nepenthe Soothing Mental Lotion. Connecticut Sen. Joe Lieberman just used it to forget that he was for a Medicare buy-in for 55-year- olds before he came out against it.
“Former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin miraculously erased all recollection of her 2007 belief that climate change required governmental action on the Last Frontier. She now says any benefit of such action will be outweighed by the costs.
“And there’s actor Alec Baldwin, who promised to move to Europe if George W. Bush was re-elected in 2004 — and he’s still right here in the good old USA.
“As these and many others can attest, Nepenthe eliminates any chance that you might show shame or hesitation when it’s expedient to change your position. When it’s time to forget, remember what can Nepenthe do for you.”
Another product that might find wide use with celebrity endorsement would be Tears-On-Demand: “Need to fake sincerity when you’re apologizing for blowing the family savings at a casino? Or when you’re promising this is absolutely the last time you’ll go on a four-day bender or go to bed with the lawn boy?
“It takes a tear to say you’re sincere, and with Tears-on-Demand, you’ll be able to turn on the waterworks instantly when the need arises. It works for Glenn Beck, it worked for Bill Clinton, and it can work for you the next time you’re in a jam.”
And hey, the Keith Richards 12-step Detox video game could sell pretty well in some circles, along with the Jon and Kate Unmarriage Manual and the Paris Hilton Guide to Being Famous for Being Famous.
As for Tiger Woods, who better these days to endorse some brand of condoms?
Ed Quillen (ekquillen@gmail.com) of Salida is a freelance writer and history buff, and a frequent contributor to The Post.
