Dear Margo: To be blunt, I can’t stand my mother-in-law. She’s not a bad person, per se, but she’s extremely difficult to be around. She is morose, gloomy, passive and unable to make even the smallest decision. Before each trip, she calls to tell us how excited she is to visit and see the grandchildren. Yet when she’s actually here, she is just plain miserable. I really don’t think she is capable of enjoying herself.
We used to try to plan fun things to do. Now we just stay home and do nothing because that seems to be what she wants to do. My husband and I inevitably get into arguments due to the stress of her being here. I find myself dreading her visits all year long. Once she announces her next trip, I start counting down the days and become consumed with hatred. I recognize that my attitude does nothing to make her visits more bearable, but I don’t seem to be able to let go of the negativity. Help! — Fed Up in California
Dear Fed: My first thought was: Be grateful she lives out of town. A close second was to be reminded of Woody Allen’s writing about (his own) anhedonia — the incapacity to experience pleasure. Assuming the woman is not depressed, she has an unfortunate personality. What I suggest you do during her visits is live your life as you ordinarily would. If you’re going to the Smith’s for the evening, tell her you have an engagement and you’d love her to come. Ditto for the movies, etc. Then leave her at home. Encourage your children to engage her in games or TV, but if she’s not interested, tell them at least they tried to be good hosts. In other words, ignore her after proffering some entertainment and making an effort. I think this will go a long way toward vitiating your negativity. — Margo, counterintuitively
When Self-Knowledge Is Just Not There
Dear Margo: I’m 23, in nursing school and really struggling with relationships. I always hear that I’m beautiful, smart and funny. However, I can’t seem to hold on to any close relationships. Men say I’m “crazy,” and both males and females say I’m “odd.” I feel I’m very direct and honest, but with compassion, and somewhat nonchalant unless something really excites me. I have no close friends and have had only one serious relationship. I’m terribly lonely and mixed up. I just can’t seem to read people well enough to determine the right time to open up or shut up. Also, I get bored easily with “small talk.” I’m seriously independent and never afraid to “march to my own drummer.” What do I do to turn around these issues? I really don’t want to be alone. — Destined To Be an Outcast?
Dear Des: You’re saying a lot of things here. I will take you at your word that your direct honesty is leavened with compassion, and not of the blurting out “God, you’re ugly” variety. Saying you don’t read people very well is suggestive of Asperger’s, where really smart people are missing whatever it is that picks up social cues. I, myself, often check out of small talk, but people don’t respond by telling me I’m crazy or odd. Showing interest in other people is always a good way into a new acquaintanceship, and then really listening. Because you say you’re in nursing school, I would approach someone you see every day, a teacher or a classmate, and ask that person for an honest evaluation because there is clearly something about your personality that you can’t figure out. It is important that your own drummer is not playing “I’ll Walk Alone,” and you would probably benefit from some psychotherapy. Good luck. — Margo, hopefully
