Dear Amy: Am I the only one disturbed by the trend of “cougars”?
I am a 40-year-old male, and, growing up, I was taught (mostly by women) that men who chased women 20 years younger than them were “dirty old men” with “arrested development” and that they looked ridiculous and childish.
But now it seems that when women do it, it’s “empowering.”
Everywhere I look there are articles about how wonderful cougars are.
The first time I heard this term was on the “Today” show. The host was talking to some self-confessed cougars that were saying how great it was that they had found this new and incredibly liberating lifestyle.
At the end of the segment they gave a Web address to a site that would tell you more, including where to find the best “cougar bars” in your area.
I went to that site, and it was full of lurid stories about wives cheating on their husbands, going to fraternity houses, etc.
Can you imagine the “Today” show advertising a site where older men could go to pick up college women? — Disturbed
Dear Disturbed: To clarify, a “cougar” is a woman of a certain age who pursues (and catches) younger men. Grrrrr!
I can imagine seeing many things on the “Today” show (including a segment on pole-dancing lemurs), but I agree with you, male cougars would definitely not be celebrated on the program.
I also agree that the notion of cougars is tacky, offensive, sexist and stupid. I also happen to think that the cougar fad is an overreaction to the unfortunate reality that middle-age women have traditionally been (as my mother so eloquently put it) “invisible.”
Real beauty and power don’t fade. But I can only hope that the current fascination with and celebration of so-called cougars does.
Dear Amy: I am in a relationship that is going sour.
We have only been together for seven months, but for some reason this girl makes me completely happy. I think I love her. We have told each other we love each other, and we have both meant it.
Now, she is saying that we are drifting apart and that she doesn’t feel the same way about me.
I told my girlfriend that if she will be happier if she leaves me, then she should leave. Of course, I don’t want her to.
What should I do? Should I be supportive of her choice and show that I love her by letting her do what makes her the most happy, or should I be selfish and fight for her? — Anonymous
Dear Anonymous: Fighting for someone’s affection doesn’t seem selfish — but it might be foolhardy and, in the end, depressing. Grandstanding in this way seems to work, but mainly in the movies.
There’s a well-used expression that covers your predicament: “If you love something, set it free. If it returns, it’s yours forever; if not, it was never meant to be.”
Repeating this to yourself might help you release this person from your life. Then it will be up to her to decide what she wants to do next.
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
