Dear Amy: My husband of five years died suddenly in 2004. He was 46 years old; I was 43.
I had never experienced death and was emotionally unequipped for the grief that held me for the next few years.
There’s no way to describe that kind of sadness. I had to quit my job because I couldn’t work or do much of anything else, other than crawl up in a ball on my parents’ couch.
I was so paralyzed I couldn’t even read a newspaper.
After my husband’s death, several of my friends and family members gave me monetary donations to offset the cost of the funeral, as well as lovely floral gifts, but I was too upset to write the thank-you cards.
Fortunately, I have a wonderful man in my life again and am very happy.
I’ve tried several times to write those thank-you notes, but every time I start, those feelings of sadness and devastation seem to take hold of me again.
I am thinking of strengthening myself and writing the cards this year on the sixth anniversary of his death. (I considered doing this after five years, but couldn’t bring myself to do it.)
Should I muster up the will to write the cards and hope that no one thinks that I am inconsiderate for waiting so long? Or should I let it go and pray that I was forgiven for such a massive oversight?
Please help, Amy. I want to do the right thing. — Hopeful in Chicago
Dear Hopeful: Untether this note-writing job from its sad moorings and you will be able to say what you need to say.
Don’t think of this outreach as a response to your tragedy as much as an opportunity to get in touch with your friends to tell them how you’re doing. Because this is causing you problems, don’t do this on the exact anniversary of your husband’s death, but get started the week before. If necessary, ask a friend or family member to keep you on track.
Here’s some wording you could include in your notes: “I know a lot of time has passed, but I hope you realize that time will never diminish my gratitude to you. You have been a wonderful friend — especially when I needed your friendship the most — and I will never forget your thoughtfulness and generosity.”
It’s never too late to tell people that you appreciate them.
Dear Amy: I can relate to “Frustrated,” whose future in-laws didn’t like her.
I, too, had unhappy in-laws to deal with when my husband and I married. It took three years with continuing pleasant responses from me, smiling whenever I spoke with them and making sure my husband visited with them often, until they came around and accepted me as a daughter-in-law.
Now, since all my relatives have gone, they truly are my mom and dad too. — Happy Now
Dear Happy: I hope “Frustrated” follows your example, with the same result.
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@ or via mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
