Dear Margo: I am in my 50s, have been divorced for 10 years and have a 17-year-old daughter. Her dad is remarried. I’ve been seeing someone for 13 months, and my daughter can’t stand him. He is a nice guy, and there are no behaviors to dislike. In fact, he’s rarely been around her. She has no reason; she says she just doesn’t like him and doesn’t want him around. How to handle this? I’ve told her it’s my choice and my house, and I can have company. (He has never stayed overnight with her around, only for a dinner here and there.) I mostly see him when she is at her dad’s house. The vehemence of her dislike really hurts. She’s rarely been around anyone I’ve dated, partly because I’ve hardly dated in the past 10 years. Must I choose one or the other? — Torn
Dear Torn: No choice is necessary. Your daughter is your daughter, and your boyfriend is your boyfriend. My position has always been that kids don’t get a vote unless the “interloper” is obviously disreputable, snippy to the kid or a felon.
She will be out of the house and at college, one presumes, in a year. I would be interested in how she interacts with her stepmother. It is possible that she resents any time taken away from her, though it sounds as though you’ve been very conservative in time spent as a threesome. I think the approach you’ve been taking is just fine, and I would urge you to push her to articulate her dislike, and also to stick to your guns — in this case, your man. — Margo, affirmatively
Well-Meaning, Perhaps, but a Lunkhead Dad Just the Same
Dear Margo: My dad is getting married soon. There’s nothing wrong with the woman. Their relationship started after he and my mom separated, and he seems happy. Unfortunately, remarriage is sometimes difficult for family and friends to accept, and the way my dad has handled it isn’t helping.
The latest in a series of missteps is that he and his fiancee have decided to get married a few days after the divorce becomes final … and more importantly, a few days after my brother’s bar mitzvah. Because the events are so close together, many friends and relatives from out of state will have to choose which one to attend. My dad claims the wedding date is necessary because it’s the only time my aunt, a minister, is available to officiate. Furthermore, he says he works hard to be a good provider and father (which is true) and is allowed to do some things for himself even if others don’t like it.
Mom thinks the choice of wedding date is disrespectful and shows how little he cares about the bar mitzvah, and my brother feels like Dad is stealing his thunder. Even though I think my dad is a bonehead, rather than malicious, their feelings are understandable. Unfortunately, many friends object to the marriage. How do I know this? Well, some of them are comfortable sharing their disapproval with me and, even worse, my little brother. The kid is upset and confused as it is, and he doesn’t understand that he can be angry about the wedding and still love our father. How do I tell people that their opinions are unwanted, inappropriate and hurtful? And how do I help my brother understand that he doesn’t have to choose sides? — Malcolm and His Sister in the Middle
Dear Mal: “Unfortunate” is exactly the right word. And because you say your aunt is a minister, I am pretty sure she’s not your mother’s sister, ergo your father is not Jewish — which may mean he doesn’t quite get the significance of a bar mitzvah. In any case, once people have unloaded on you about their displeasure with your father, it’s kind of hard to tell them you’re not interested in their opinions, since those verbal horses have left the barn, as it were. Regarding your brother, try to help him understand that the timing may be regrettable but in no way does it speak to his father’s love for him. This may prove a little difficult because the kid is, after all, only 13. — Margo, comfortingly
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
