Dear Margo: My relationship with my husband has changed over something stupid that never should have happened. We’ve been married for six years. He’s been friends with “Josh” for many years longer than he has known me. Josh is married to “Marcie.” The men’s relationship revolves around exercise and fitness and watching boxing and martial arts matches, mostly without wives (fine with me). Josh and Marcie are both in the fitness business, and once, at our house, she asked me whether I exercised. I said I go to aerobics and dance classes. She invited me to work out at her studio. I thought she was making a gesture of friendship.
When I arrived at the studio, she did an evaluation and then proceeded to rip me apart. I am 5-foot-7 and weigh 156 pounds. I could lose a few pounds, but I’m naturally very curvy. She told me I have almost no muscle, and that if I don’t do something about it, I will end up a frail old woman who can’t get out of a chair. She recommended a chiropractor for my neck (I didn’t know I had a neck problem) and a doctor for hormone therapy for my obvious estrogen imbalance. She assessed me at a BMI of 38, which is dangerously obese. She criticized my aerobics and dance classes as being harmful and out of touch with the latest in exercise science. When I got home, I was in tears. My husband asked what she said, and I told him. He said, “Are you sure you’re not just shooting the messenger?”
I now see that he thinks so highly of Josh and Marcie’s professional opinion that this has changed how he sees me! He isn’t as affectionate and is now picking at what I eat. (“Are you sure you need a second helping of that salad?”) He’s made remarks that suggest he assumed we’d grow old gracefully together but now believes he’s going to have an invalid on his hands, which is absurd. Out of desperation, I went to a weight-loss physician, who assessed me at a BMI of 25 and said I need to lose 20 pounds. When I told my husband that, he lightened up a little, but his changed opinion of me didn’t budge. — Beyond Disgusted
Dear Be: It sounds to me like Marcie doesn’t know her mass from her elbow. I mean, she was off on your numbers by almost a third. It also sounds like she has a kickback arrangement with a chiropractor; and I can tell you for certain that no one, not even an M.D., can visually diagnose an estrogen imbalance. This girl sounds like a self-important fraud, and your husband clearly owes you an apology. If he’d like you a little slimmer, let him say so, but to take this woman’s word as gospel and become cool to you is outrageous. I would show him this column, and if he doesn’t apologize on the spot, take him to your physician to be educated. — Margo, gaspingly
When an anonymous friend is better than no friend at all
Dear Margo: I am torn. I know that my fiance’s friend constantly cheats on his new fiancee. I have never met the girl, but this guy is flying around the country to see girls he has met, and God only knows what he is doing locally. He concocts big cover-up stories about his travels. If I were being cheated on, I would want someone to tell me, especially before the wedding. What should I do? Should I not say anything? Send her an anonymous message? If she would only check his phone, she would have all the proof she needs in text messages and photos. — “A Friend”
Dear “A”: This is a thorny problem, and there is never a one-size-fits-all answer. In the situation you describe, I would split the difference. That is, I would get word to this woman, even though you don’t know her, that you recommend she look at her fiance’s cell phone. That way you have not actually turned him in, but you have allowed her to discover the incriminating information herself. Ordinarily, anonymous notes are suspect, but in this particular situation, I don’t see why wanting to help a young woman avoid a serious mistake should earn you an enemy for life. (And there’s always the chance that she will marry him anyway.) — Margo, revealingly
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
