Dear Amy: I try hard to not give advice unless I am asked to do so, but after my granddaughter became engaged, she wrote me the following letter:
“He is far from perfect, but I can endure all of his bad habits, as he endures mine, except for his chain-smoking. He has promised he will quit after we are married, but I have my doubts.
You lived with granddad all those years and he smoked; was it really so bad?”
This is what I wrote back:
“No, my darling, it wasn’t so bad. That is, if you don’t mind that the whole interior of your home gets covered with a brownish-yellow goo.
“If you don’t mind that your hair, skin and lungs get polluted and stink from his secondhand smoke.
“If you get used to being alone at social events because he is outside smoking.
“If you give up on traveling because he gets grouchy when he can’t smoke on the plane.
“Finally, if you are willing to watch him die a slow and painful death, hooked up to oxygen and gasping for every precious breath, then no, it isn’t that bad.”
Because of my letter, she postponed the wedding until after he quit smoking. He in turn chose his cigarettes over this beautiful young woman and booked. Now her mother (my daughter-in-law) won’t speak to me. Was I wrong to tell the truth when asked? — Smoker’s Widow
Dear Widow: I have a note posted on my computer: “Unsolicited advice is always self-serving.”
Your advice was solicited. You were not wrong to tell the truth about your life.
Your granddaughter asked you a specific question and you answered it — eloquently, I believe.
The most you can do now is to offer your daughter- in-law the opportunity to explain herself and, in the spirit of reconciliation, listen to her point of view and apologize if an apology is called for.
Dear Amy: I can’t figure out how to handle food allergies when I’m a guest. Recently, an older friend who is a classic cook invited me for lunch. I didn’t say anything to her ahead of time because I didn’t know what to say and didn’t want to sound unbearably picky.
Every one of the intricately prepared courses had items that I couldn’t digest, so I picked at them.
I cannot digest milk products and am allergic to the mold in cheese. I have had this problem for about 25 years. If I eat cheese, I am sick for several days.
What’s the solution to this situation? Of course, I wrote my friend a kind thank-you note afterward, never mentioning my problems. — Miserable in North Carolina
Dear Miserable: Put yourself in your friend’s place. If you were preparing a special meal, wouldn’t you want to make sure to offer your guest food that he or she could actually digest?
Hosts often will ask whether there are dietary issues, but if a host doesn’t ask, you can say, “I’m sorry, but I have a hard time digesting milk products. I can pick around anything you serve, but I thought I would let you know.”
Then you express your gratitude for the invitation and your enthusiasm for the event, and let the cheese stand alone.
Dear Amy: In response to the woman who put up with almost 41 years of abuse from her toxic husband:
Get out now! It will never get better but will only demoralize you.
After being put down, criticized and sneered at for 24 years, I kicked out my college professor husband when I found out he had been having affairs.
There is life after divorce. There is stability and a sense of contentment that come when you understand that you did what had to be done. — Suburban Grannie
Dear Grannie: Many survivors of abusive relationships can identify with your story. Thank you.
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