Dear Margo: I found out, quite by accident, that my husband was having an affair with his former college girlfriend. The affair had (has?) been going on for more than a year. He says he has broken off contact with her, and I told him I would be willing to go to marriage counseling to work things out. On the other hand, right now, I don’t trust him as far as I could throw him. My question is whether or not I should phone her to find out whether the affair is ongoing. If it is, I don’t think I should waste my time with a couples’ therapist. What do you think? — Angry, Sad and Everything in Between.
Dear Ang: My instinct is that the woman in question would not be a reliable source. For example, one of many Tiger Woods stories is that he enlisted Rachel Uchitel to talk to his wife, Elin, to deny any romantic relationship. If “the other woman” was still involved with your husband, odds are she would say they were not. Such a call from you would be the telephonic equivalent of sending the fox to guard the henhouse. Before you lower the boom, try couples’ therapy and see where it takes you. You might learn important things in helping you make the decision about whether to go or stay. Good luck. — Margo, explanatorily
Only One Problem — and It Comes in a Bottle
Dear Margo: My husband and I are 24 years old and still madly in love after five years of marriage and two beautiful kids. We are finally in a stable place financially and career-wise. We only have one major problem. My husband drinks. Not a lot, but at the end of “a long day” or a holiday or a payday or anytime he has extra cash, he buys another bottle of vodka. He doesn’t get rip-roaring drunk, just a little “buzzed.” He doesn’t abuse the kids or me, and financial responsibilities are always taken care of before he buys anything; he just never has cash for extras.
Up until two years ago, he was a frequent pot smoker and was addicted to Oxycontin, which he successfully kicked and says he has no desire to go back to. My childhood was filled with drug-fueled abuse by my father and brother, both of whom are recovered. I now have strong relationships with them, though my dad has lasting mental problems as a result of his drug use. Because of these experiences, I have only been drunk three times, have never smoked anything and have never taken anything stronger than ibuprofen (except during childbirth), which makes people call me “sheltered.”
I have talked to my husband about my feelings, but he says I am overreacting, and we fight almost every time he brings home alcohol. I’ve always heard that those with previous experience with addiction tend to find another addiction, and I’m terrified he’ll become an alcoholic. Am I overreacting, or should I just accept this and let it go? — “Sheltered” in Alabama
Dear Shel: There is a saying in the addiction world that if someone close to you thinks it’s a problem, it’s a problem. Given that your husband kicked two habits already, he may have learned that his is an addictive personality, and he has likely substituted something else: booze. However he managed to get away from pot and Oxy, suggest he repeat the procedure with alcohol. If you need help getting him to understand the dynamics of what is going on, attend both an AA meeting and an Al-Anon meeting together, or as many meetings as it takes. The fact that vodka goes along with the end of “a long day, a holiday, a payday or anytime he has extra cash” doesn’t sound like social drinking. — Margo, interpretively
