Dear Margo: I recently broke up with my live-in boyfriend. We have six months left on the lease — and a roommate. He is moving into another bedroom in the house. The breakup was probably a long time coming. I still love him, but he couldn’t get his act together (i.e., never did a chore unless I nagged him, never wooed me unless I begged for it, and always put himself first). He has a diagnosed psychiatric problem, but he is on medication and sees a counselor regularly.
Since the breakup, he has become depressed, stating that he is worthless and has nothing to offer anyone, and that he’ll never date again, etc. I’m not really sure how to handle things, because he is basically asking me (as a friend) for advice about a failed relationship (with me). I would like to remain friends while we ride out the lease and, hopefully, after the lease is over. But I’m worried it’s going to be uncomfortable in the house. Do I need to ask him to move out? Most of the furniture in the house is mine, and our roommate is my friend. Should I just attempt to spend as little time as possible in the house on the weekends? Do I continue to give him encouragement with school (he finally went back this year) and life, or am I blurring my role in his life? — Aggie
Dear Ag: It takes a lot of effort — and time — to shore someone up emotionally, and I agree that you are the wrong one to do it. The energy it would require makes sense for a girlfriend, not an ex-girlfriend. If moving is feasible for him, that would be good. If it’s not, ride it out, but suggest that, given your past relationship, you are not the one to counsel him; his therapist is. I suspect that when you called it a day, you told him where the potholes were, so I see no reason to continue repeating yourself. And I wouldn’t absent yourself on the weekends — just be cordial and go about your business. — Margo, functionally
Not choosing mom
Dear Margo: I have a strained relationship with my mother, while I have a wonderful relationship with my mother-in-law. Because my husband often goes out of town for work, we will soon be moving to my husband’s hometown. The move is at my request, given that we have no family in our current town, I have three small kids and it would be a breath of fresh air to have family around.
My mother lives in a large city; the in-laws, in a small town, which I prefer. Given the jealousy that my mother feels for my in-laws, how do I tell her that we will be moving to be closer to them? I know she will blame my husband for this. (All things we do that she doesn’t like get blamed on him; she still sees me as her “good little girl.”) She will soon be 65, so it’s not like she’s going to change. I just don’t want her to become angry and spew lies to my kids. She is excellent at holding a grudge. — Conflicted Daughter in Louisiana
Dear Con: How wonderful that you will soon be living close to the mother you prefer and having the small-town life you want. It is plain that your mother doesn’t care for your husband, so go with the flow. You continue as the “good little girl” and let him be the bad guy. As for her trying to poison the well with your kids, I think you can effectively be the truth squad. The good news is that the mother with whom you have a strained relationship is elsewhere. — Margo, geographically
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
COPYRIGHT 2010 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY
