Dear Amy: I’m a middle-age man, married for 30 years.
I am in very good physical condition, I look good enough and have excellent hygiene. I make excellent money.
My problem is that I’m depressed. My wife basically cut me off sexually 15 years ago. I have tried everything I can think of: vacations, gifts and doing everything around the house.
My wife complains about almost everything. I wonder why she thinks I would stay with her.
I’ve thought about paying for sex on the side, but I don’t want to get arrested.
My wife’s excuses are endless. She’ll say she’s sick, even though she hasn’t been to the doctor in 10 years. She is not seeing anyone else.
I am so depressed that I feel like crying almost every day. I could leave her, but I promised her when we got married that I would always take care of her. — East Coast Dad
Dear Dad: There has been a lot of research lately on the physical causes behind decreased libido. If your wife hasn’t been to a doctor in 10 years, she should see one, now.
When your wife rejects you sexually, it cuts to the core. When you try to win her over sexually through vacations, gifts and housework, you are assuming that you can fix the problem by doing things differently.
I give you credit for trying so hard, but her sexual issues might not be your fault or responsibility; this is about her.
I applaud your commitment to your marriage, though you should ask yourself whether this level of dysfunction and depression makes you able to gauge your marriage accurately.
Because you say you are depressed, you should concentrate on yourself. See your doctor and get a referral to a psychologist — preferably one who works with men at midlife.
Reading about other sexless marriages may help you to understand what’s going on in your relationship. You could start with “The Sex-Starved Marriage: A Couple’s Guide to Boosting Their Marriage Libido,” by Michele Weiner-Davis (Simon & Schuster, 2003). Though this assumes a couple’s willingness to explore this issue together, you’ll gain some insight even doing this research on your own.
Dear Amy: I spend much of my time in my car, ferrying my kids around. I can’t get over the number of people who, while waiting for their kids to get out of school or during sports practices, leave their cars running. Sometimes it’s for 15 to 20 minutes, other times up to an hour!
Not only is it noisy and polluting the environment, but it is also a tremendous waste of gas. I keep a blanket in my car to keep warm in the winter and make an effort to park in the shade in the summer, but I see people doing it even when the weather is perfect.
I love to have my windows open when it’s nice outside, but someone always ends up pulling up next to me, leaving their big SUV running, and I have to suffer through the noise and smelly exhaust.
Can you please tell your readers to turn off their ignition? I think we could solve the nation’s oil problems. — Considerate
Dear Considerate: Turning off the engine of an SUV instead of running it for an hour won’t solve our “oil problems,” but it is a start.
Dear Amy: Next year I’m planning an 80th-birthday party. I will invite about 35 family and friends. I do not need gifts. I would like to receive food gifts instead to be donated to the food pantry. How should I word the invitation? — Looking Forward
Dear Forward: On a separate slip of paper from the invitation, you can say, “In lieu of gifts to me, I’m encouraging guests to help me celebrate by bringing gifts of canned and boxed food, which we will donate to the Village Food Pantry.”
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