Dear Amy: My husband, “Henry,” and I have been married for 34 years and reared three loving, independent, successful children.
All his life, Henry has been on the edge of depression. He has been good at hiding it most of the time, but now that he is retired, it is worse than ever. He has a little job, but it is not of the caliber of his career and I know he is struggling with loss of identity and retirement. He is grouchy and irritable.
He ignores me, refusing to talk. He isolates himself — classic symptoms of depression. I have asked him to get help, but he thinks it is my problem. I have told him that relatives, friends and even casual acquaintances have mentioned that he seems “bummed out,” tired and “lacking joy.”
In spite of it all, I love him, but he is robbing me of joy in my life. Is it fair to give him an ultimatum and tell him that unless he gets help I will leave? — More Than Winter Blues
Dear Blues: Your husband may need an intervention rather than an ultimatum. Start by finding a counselor who can help you understand his illness and find positive ways for you to cope.
Your children should meet with you and the counselor to discuss how you might force this issue without alienating your husband further. Your goal is to get him some help.
Depression is a treatable disease but, unfortunately, one of the symptoms is the resistance of the depressed person to seek help.
There may be other physical causes for his blues and sadness; urge him to get a full checkup.
Please read “How You Can Survive When They’re Depressed: Living and Coping with Depression Fallout” by Anne Sheffield (1999, Three Rivers Press). This important book has a forward by newsman Mike Wallace, a mighty guy brought low by his own battle with depression.
Dear Amy: My husband’s 40th birthday is coming up and we want to celebrate it with some of his many siblings and some friends.
The problem is his older brother just had a 50th for which he didn’t have a party, and I’m realizing that none of his siblings have birthday parties.
My husband had a party several years ago and we wrote “no gifts please” on the invitations. Some brought gifts, but one sibling gave him a check. I found out later that she was testing us. We deposited the check and it bounced.
The sad thing is my husband truly loves getting together with his family, and I feel like some of them look at it as an inconvenience or a way to get gifts.
How do we get people together without the drama?
— Concerned Wife
Dear Concerned: Your husband should celebrate his birthday the way he wants to. You should realize that you are all adults and it’s time to act like it.
If you don’t want gifts, indicate this, and if people bring gifts regardless, they should be thanked.
Your job is to have a good time and not play into family drama by remaining true to your own ethics.
Because of the history here, if your husband receives a check from his sibling, he should return it by mail with a note saying, “Thank you for your thoughtfulness but I don’t feel comfortable accepting this and so I am returning it to you with my thanks.”
Dear Amy: “Kyle” wondered if his in-laws should replace their Labrador after a car hit it while the in-laws were dogsitting. You said “no” but you were dead wrong. Of course they should — leaving the door open was their fault!
— Disgusted
Dear Disgusted: I identified with “Kyle” because I also have a Labrador who is nursing a broken leg.
In my view, when you get a nonprofessional to dog sit, you have to assume a level of risk and realize that, unfortunately, accidents happen.
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