Dear Amy: I have been in a women’s book group of about 15 members for eight years.
About a year ago, I invited a neighbor — let’s call her “Fanny Dashwood” — to join the group without knowing her very well. This was a mistake because she is abrasive, pushy and rude.
Whenever my two close friends (other members of the book group) and I do something, Fanny confronts us, drilling us about why she was not invited.
For the record, when we have big gatherings that are book-group-based, we do invite her.
A member of the book group is planning a camping trip for a special family occasion; several of the members are going because they have known this family for many years. When Fanny found out about this, she confronted the woman during the meeting, saying, “Is it a book-group camping trip?” Then, Fanny invited herself and her two large dogs.
Basically, we don’t want her in the group anymore, and she really is not welcome on the camping trip. How should we handle this? — Mean in Minnesota?
Dear Mean?: In Jane Austen’s “Sense and Sensibility,” Fanny Dashwood never really gets her comeuppance. Your Fanny must.
Because you invited Fanny into the group, you must politely hold the door for her exit. Now that you know how ill-mannered and boorish she is, you should ask her to leave.
You say, “Fanny, I’m so sorry, but this is not working out. Because you are such a divisive member of the book group, I’m going to have to ask you to step aside. I’m very sorry, but this just isn’t a good fit.”
The person hosting the camping trip should grow a backbone and handle this uninvited guest herself.
Fanny may stomp and hiss, but she was doing this anyway. Turn the page on this sorry episode and start a new chapter.
Dear Amy: My fiance and I don’t know what to do with my grandmother. She has given my unemployed brother $500,000 over the past 14 years, so instead of getting a job, he just sits on the couch and watches TV.
She’s given my felon cousin thousands of dollars for various scams he plays.
She buys whatever story she is told and hands over her money. Meanwhile, we work hard, ask nothing of her and drown in bills and debt.
Amy, we don’t want anything from this woman — we just want her to wake up and play fair with the rest of the relatives. It’s not fair that some of us work hard and pay our bills while she hands out money to the unemployed losers and felons who scam others.
It’s getting to the point we don’t even want to visit! — Furious
Dear Furious: If you are worried about your grandmother being scammed by relatives, your focus should not be on “playing fair” but on “asset preservation.”
The fact is, your grandmother’s expenditures could be helping perpetuate the problems of your relatives. She is making things worse for them.
You say that you don’t want anything from your grandmother, and yet your motives seem squishy.
Clarify your intentions, and urge her to work with a nonfamily adviser who can help her make sounder financial investments.
Dear Amy: I don’t know why you got so huffy with a reader who sent a relative a whole bunch of baby items.
It was generous, and what’s the big deal about having to “sort through so much”? — Cheryl
Dear Cheryl: “Generous Giver” gave several years’ worth of baby supplies and clothing castoffs from her twins to a new mom and then didn’t feel adequately thanked.
My huffiness sprang from what I considered to be the overloaded nature of this gesture. It was simply too much.
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