Dear Amy: I have been in a relationship with a woman for two years. I love her. She says she loves me.
She says she wants to marry me and be together forever. In the beginning, she needed to see me every other day, if not more often. All of our phone calls were long and rich with conversation.
Over the past several months, she has cheated on me numerous times with an ex-boyfriend, although she says she doesn’t like it, didn’t plan it and doesn’t love him.
Lately all phone calls happen while she is watching television or reading. When I express my feelings of confusion or when I tell her I miss her, she makes me feel I’m out of line. She is hostile. How can I get her to open up to me again without seeming needy and insecure? I believe the ex may be back in the picture, but I don’t know if this is the reason for the distance. She is also bipolar.
How can I bring the love of my life back into my arms again? — Hopelessly Devoted
Dear Devoted: You already know the truth. Your girlfriend has lost interest. Whether she is cheating again or is going through a depressed cycle of her bipolar disorder, you cannot force her to love you, want to be with you or even have an honest conversation with you about your relationship.
I suggest, therefore, that you be completely honest with yourself and frank with her about your own needs. You want honesty, fidelity and a close, romantic relationship. So say so. You won’t come off as needy, but as a guy who knows who he is and what he wants.
You also have to be willing to walk away from a relationship that is so imbalanced. You deserve better.
Dear Amy: I am hosting a surprise birthday lunch for my mom at a nice restaurant. I invited six friends of hers. One of them is “Jane,” whom I barely know.
I mailed out invitations, and two days later I got a call from her, saying, “You don’t care if I bring my granddaughter, do you?” I was floored. I tried to explain that I just wanted a small group of my mother’s friends.
Her response was, “Well, my granddaughter knows everyone, so it won’t be a problem.” I then explained that I could only afford to pay for so many. Her response was, “Oh, we’ll pay for her, so that’s no problem.”
She had to know I didn’t want this teenager coming, but she pushed it. How should you handle pushy/ clueless people? — Distressed HostessDear Distressed: “Jane” isn’t clueless. She’s pushy. When you’re dealing with pushy people, hints don’t work.
You supplied Jane with all sorts of excuses and mutable-sounding reasons her granddaughter wasn’t welcome at this shindig, which she could easily bulldoze over. All you have to say is, “No kids are included, so that’s not going to work.’
When Jane responds with her standard reply, “That won’t be a problem,” you have to say very firmly, “Actually, that would be a problem. Let me know if you’ll be able to make it. If you can’t, Mom will really miss you, but I’m sure she’ll understand.”
Dear Amy: In a recent response to “Jimmy” you compared being with someone who is on a cellphone to being with someone who is reading a paperback book while you’re trying to converse. Perhaps you’ve inadvertently suggested a solution to this problem. The next time a companion pulls out a cellphone, pull out a book and start reading.
When the person is finished with her phone, let her watch you read for a while. — Tired of Texting
Dear Tired: Pulling out a newspaper (helpfully opened to this column) or your own cellphone might also get the message across that people who do this are being bad company.
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