Dear Margo: I’m a 33-year-old man, married seven years. The issue is that I am bisexual and have known it for some time. About a month ago, I responded to a posting on Craigslist. It was from an older gentleman, who, like myself, is bi and was looking for some discreet fun. In responding, I sent a headless picture of myself without a shirt on. He responded with some pictures that were a bit more graphic and a phone number. Upon seeing the number, I immediately became undone. It was the cell number of my wife’s dad — my father-in-law! Once I realized it was him, I never responded. But … I received several subsequent e-mails asking me what was going on and whether I was still interested.
Unfortunately, he e-mailed me from his personal account. Not only that, but it’s the joint account he shares with my mother-in-law. Fast-forward: My m-i-l was checking e-mail and somehow found the exchange between my father-in-law and me. Justifiably, she has become hysterical. She found the e-mail I sent to him (from an anonymous e-mail address) that included my picture. But it gets worse: She told my wife and my wife’s sibs, and they all are trying to figure out who the guy is who “seduced” Dad.
At this point, I am freaking out, as my wife wants to see the picture that was sent — my picture — but her mother has not shown it to her yet. Do I bite the bullet and let the cat out of the closet that I am the two-home home-wrecker, or should I let my wife and her family continue to play detective? I feel immense guilt when my wife cries on my shoulder as she tells me the latest developments every day. — Desperate with Nowhere To Turn.
Dear Des: What are the chances, as they say? Maybe this is God’s way of saying: Pick a gender. First, because your m-i-l has a (headless) picture of the guy who “seduced Dad,” it is not likely she will know you by your torso, but your wife might, should your m-i-l share the picture.
The whole thing is such a lie, however, that I would come clean with your wife — perhaps in the office of a counselor — and let her decide what she wants to do. Her father may be collateral damage, but there you are. — Margo, haplessly
Difficulty with a death foretold
Dear Margo: This might seem like an odd problem, but it’s real to me. I was never close to my father, who suffered from Alzheimer’s for a decade before dying in May. He hadn’t known me in years, and I’d expected his death to be a relief. Instead, it’s hit me like a tsunami. Why? And what should I do to get through this? Will time take care of it? — Brand-New Orphan
Dear Brand: Don’t always believe what you think. For some people, often grown children, the death of a person from whom they’ve been distant elicits a more powerful response than they’d ever imagined. There is probably a load of regret in such a relationship, and death marks finis to that chapter — with no hope whatsoever of repairing or resolving it. I do think time is a healer, but if you have a lot of questions about your feelings, you might try a survivors’ support group or book a few sessions with a therapist. I wish you the gifts of acceptance and understanding. — Margo, supportively
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
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