Dear Margo: I have a good friend who’s dying. We’ve been friends for decades, and she’s very dear to me. Unfortunately, she spends most of her time being furious and semi-abusive to the people who love her the most. I tend to argue with her about it, reminding her that she’s talking about people who love her and are well-meaning. Other friends just nod and listen and reinforce her growing misanthropy. I just hate to see this increasing bitterness (which is exactly how my own mother died, I should add). Should I just listen and not judge — or speak up occasionally? — Another Well-Meaning Friend
Dear An: I think of the old Russian expression, “Once your head is cut off, there’s no use crying about your hair.” The personality that you knew is no longer. Your friend is dying, and I suspect it is about that that she is furious. There is nothing you — or any other friend — can offer that will change her outlook or her mood. She is angry, which is unfortunate for her and a hell of a way to make an exit, but that’s the way it is.
It sounds as though you have already “spoken up,” so I think the real act of friendship is just to listen. I do buy the idea that we all die alone, but in the run-up to that, everyone reveals their inner philosophy, whether meaning to or not. Hang in there, and try to sustain yourself with memories of the good days. — Margo, fatalistically
When your ears are part of your outfit
Dear Margo: A friend of my husband is getting married. I barely know the man, and I’ve met the intended bride twice. A verbal invitation was extended to both of us. Oh, by the way, the bride requested that I not wear my ears to the wedding.
Several years ago, my husband bought me a headband with little tiger ears on it. Ever since he put it on me, I’ve worn my ears everywhere, including to two weddings and a funeral. I’ve made them a part of my identity — my personal trademark, if you will. Going anywhere without my ears makes me feel self-conscious and only partially dressed.
My initial reaction was to wear the ears anyway, but then I realized I am not exactly obligated to attend the wedding. I’m not close to the bride or groom, but my husband considers the groom to be a good friend; the invitation included me out of common courtesy. Perhaps I should keep my sulky, uncooperative self at home, even though my husband would prefer I suck it up and go. I have some months to think about it. What’s your take? — M.R.S.
Dear M.: Maybe you and I are on the same wavelength, or maybe we’re both nuts, but I think your trademark ears are a hoot. And who doesn’t love individuality — besides the bride? Seeing as how you wear them everywhere, I wouldn’t dream of suggesting you leave them at home for the upcoming nuptials. (Do go, by the way.) Odd of the bride to suggest what you wear and what you leave home, but let’s assume she will be so engrossed in the festivities that she will not notice. And to be realistic: Little tiger ears are much less attention-getting than big, floppy bunny ears. At least with your little tiger ears, no one can say you are celebrating Halloween early or reliving your days as a waitress at a Playboy club. — Margo, individually
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
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