Dear Margo: I’m not sure how to handle this. My father went to prison when I was 2 months old. My mom and maternal grandparents made sure I had a relationship with him through phone calls and letters my whole life. (I was never very close to his family.) I was told early on what he did, and I’ve worked through it.
After 22 years and eight parole hearings, he’s been granted parole and will be home with my paternal grandparents in October. I’m happy and excited, but he’s understandably trying to make up for lost time. He has two older sons, one of whom passed away and the other wants nothing to do with any of us. So it’s all on me. He has said, “Your mother had the first 22 holidays; I get the next 22,” and he expects me to spend the entire first week he’s home at my grandparents’ house with him. He says only if I’m comfortable — but he’ll be upset if I don’t.
First, I am very close to my mom and younger siblings. I love holidays, I love our traditions, and I don’t want to give that up. I have a whole life he’s never been a part of. As for staying with him, I’m uncomfortable at my grandparents’ house. I work full time, go to school and have my own house with my fiance. I just think he’s wanting a lot more than I am comfortable giving right now. I know I’m his “little girl,” and I don’t want to hurt him, but we’re never going to have the father/daughter relationship he wants. What I need to know is how to tell him. — Daddy’s Grownup Girl
Dear Dad: I think you should tell him what you told me. It will take guts, but you need to articulate that you have reached the age of maturity, you are engaged, you are very close to your mother, and he needs to revise his idea that, in essence, the next 22 years belong to him. You were an infant when he did whatever he did, and he must respect your timetable in feeling your way into a relationship. If he doesn’t understand, explain that he’s been away for so long that it would be impossible to just pretend no time has passed. Don’t be manipulated. If he becomes aggressive about it, remind him of where he was. It’s not like he was on a long business trip, and you won’t upend your life just because he’s out of the clink. — Margo, definitively
Women are not reform schools
Dear Margo: I married a good man less than a year ago, knowing that he had drug and alcohol problems. These issues mostly stem from the fact that he self-medicates his severe anxiety, but they are also unfortunately prevalent in his No. 1 hobby (music), so they are around him all the time. Although this situation has improved drastically since we first met, the fact is that it’s still an issue. I want a family, and I’m getting tired of this being a problem. Is it fair to give him a “me or the drugs” ultimatum if I knew he was this way when I married him? — Need Hugs, Not Drugs
Dear Need: Whether or not you knew of his drug and alcohol dependency before you married has nothing to do with giving him an ultimatum. The problem is that getting an ultimatum is never enough for anyone to gain control of an addiction. What you might do is tell him that although there’s been some improvement, you don’t feel you can go ahead and start a family until his substance abuse is no longer a problem for you.
One place to start is for him to see a psychiatrist or a psychopharmacologist about meds for anxiety. Then invite him to try AA. (Many musicians, by the way, are 12-steppers.) After you suggest that your husband become a friend of Bill W.’s, you should go to Al-Anon, and then you will have a clearer idea of how you want to proceed. — Margo, positively
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
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