Dear Margo: My fiancee and I are having a problem with her father. We are a lesbian couple and we’re included in family functions, which we attend regularly. We recently became engaged but still haven’t told her dad, a recent convert to Catholicism. We know that although he includes us as a couple and says he loves my fiancee no matter what, he also told her in the past that he would only pay for her wedding if she married a man. Needless to say, we were expecting to pay for our own wedding and were gearing up to tell them about our engagement when we found out, via Facebook, that he is adamantly against gay marriage. (My girlfriend posted something on her wall saying how happy she was that Proposition 8 was ruled unconstitutional. Her dad, knowing she is gay, responded with, “Booo! It ain’t over yet!” on her page.) He then followed up with an e-mail stating she can cheer all she wants but she should know he is spending a lot of his savings fighting gay marriage, and he feels the “homosexual agenda” is at war with the Catholic Church. To top it off, she’s also adopted. Her adoptive mother — who was supportive of gay marriage — passed away six years ago and he only converted to Catholicism for his second wife. My fiancee’s younger sister, the biological child, is straight, and had a dream wedding, which he paid for. He obviously favors the biological daughter, and there’s a huge difference in how he treats my fiancee, to the point of providing her sister a beach house, keeping her horses and doing nothing for my fianc e except continuing to include her in family functions. Today was her 30th birthday dinner, at which her dad gave her a year’s worth of Bible Study classes at a Catholic church as a birthday present! Despite everything, my fiancee still wants an actual wedding and wants her dad to walk her down the aisle. — Sad for My Fiancee in California.
Dear Sad: Pardon the oxymoron, but Good Lord about this man’s prejudice and partiality. He is somewhere between passive-aggressive and mean. There is no chance of changing his thinking, so perhaps you and your fiancee can change yours. I would relinquish the crumbs of being included in family functions. He is actively fighting against what you are for. Regarding your wedding, I just read something I thought was lovely: A bridal couple each walked themselves down the aisle, and returned arm in arm. Save yourselves grief and spend your time with people who are loving and humane. — Margo, constructively
Who, exactly, is family?
Dear Margo: My younger sister died after a long illness. Her husband was a total menacing control freak before, during and after the illness. He also never got along with anybody. Is there anything wrong with cutting him out of the family at this point? — On the Fence
Dear On: I will help you off the fence. Seeing as how this man was in the family through his marriage to your sister, and she is no longer with us, there isn’t any reason to keep this “menacing control freak” in the loop or in the family. It is common for an in-law to still be regarded as family, even when there’s a death, if the relationships were warm. This is not the situation you had, alas, so go forward with a more congenial family group. — Margo, consentingly
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
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