Dear Amy: I have been in a loving relationship for nine years with a man who is Muslim. I am a Christian.
My partner has not yet told his parents that I am his partner. We have owned a home together for five years. His parents do not know the true nature of our relationship because he does not have the courage to tell them. They think I am his roommate.
He has come out to his six siblings, but only two of them accept our relationship. I feel as though I have been more than patient. I have given him until the end of 2010 to tell his parents, which is four years after the original deadline that we set for this.
It is getting closer to the deadline date, and I fear he will not do it. Is it a deal breaker? My family is very upset over this issue, as am I. We feel it is very disrespectful to keep this secret.
His family has come to visit twice, and he removed all evidence of me (photos, alarm clock, towels, etc.), stating that it is a cultural/religious issue and that I should be more tolerant. — Dirty Little Secret
Dear Secret: This denial is disrespectful to you, but it might help if you thought about the probable consequences of telling the truth.
I agree that your partner should be open about his sexuality and tell his parents the truth about his life, but you should not expect that this disclosure will necessarily bring about positive changes for you two.
You have to decide what you want, as an individual.
Your partner can’t offer you a peaceful and inclusive family life, no matter what he tells his folks.
The deal breaker here has to do with your alarm clock. If your partner wants to play “don’t ask, don’t tell,” that’s his unfortunate business. But nobody should move you out during a parental visit. It’s your home, and you get to stay, towels and all.
Dear Amy: I just want to get an unbiased opinion.
The other night I was uploading a picture of our granddaughter to my husband’s e-mail and found pictures of him from a golf tournament with a young woman wearing a bikini sitting on his lap. He says he was pretending to grasp her breast, but it looked real enough to me. I thought the pictures were disgusting, and I was very hurt by them.
We have been married for 30 years. He says that it was all in fun and that he’s not going to apologize because everyone did it.
I’m hurt, Amy. Am I overreacting? — Hurt Wife
Dear Hurt Wife: I don’t think you’re overreacting. But then, I may not be able to offer an unbiased opinion.
You see, I have several daughters; I hate the idea that any of the young women in my life might participate in this sort of monkey business with someone like your husband, who seems to think that behaving badly is all right as long as everyone else does it. You have a granddaughter. Your husband might gain a different perspective if he thinks about how he would feel if someone behaved toward her the way he did toward this other young woman.
Dear Amy: I see the phrase “emotional affair” mentioned in your column. Who came up with this rather trendy, new-age-y phrase, anyway? There’s no such thing as an “emotional affair.” It’s called friendship.
No sex equals no affair. It’s that simple. — Sick of It
Dear Sick: OK. I’ll play.
Emotional affairs are when friendships turn into exclusive attachments between people whose primary attachment should be to a spouse.
Emotional affairs are as devastating to a partner as a physical affair is — and as damaging to a marriage.
Using your logic, which says that no sex equals no affair, it follows that sex equals affair. If this is true, then what is sex?
Discuss.
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