Dear Margo: My experience has been that friendships are transitory and people don’t put in the work to maintain them. For this reason, my husband and I are pretty much loners. We have many acquaintances but few friends.
This year, while traveling abroad, we met a couple (30 years younger). My husband struck up a strong friendship with the woman, and her husband and I got along nicely. I was delighted my husband had made a friend. The age difference didn’t seem to matter, and we are all financially comfortable. We traveled together for about two weeks. Later, they came to visit us. We took them on a road trip through national parks. It was a great vacation, and they sent us generous thank-you gifts. Then they went on to set up a new home in Canada. We’ve both e-mailed the wife a couple of times since then, which was about a month ago. We are renting a two-bedroom condo in Canada next month, so yesterday my husband e-mailed to ask if they’d care to join us. Neither of them is looking for work yet, as they await the birth of their first baby, so we thought they’d have the time. Yesterday we got an e-mail back from her saying they could not make it, they are busy, and then the letter ended: “So please don’t expect me to keep in touch on a regular basis. That just won’t happen. Enjoy your boredom.” Enjoy your boredom? What does that mean? That we have no real life because we are retired? She is Canadian, he is German, and we are American. Perhaps this is some kind of foreign expression? We were really hurt by this curt dismissal. I fail to see why our efforts to keep in touch provoked this reaction. — Feeling Dismissed
Dear Feel: In the very best light, “Enjoy your boredom” may have been this woman’s way of saying, “Enjoy your retirement.” What is more likely, I fear, is they felt you were taking them over and wanted to build in some distance, hence the announcement that the e-mails would no longer be regular. It is also possible that the husband might have felt that the primary relationship was between his wife and your husband and he told her to cool it. I must tell you that because this couple lives in Canada, it does seem a bit odd that you would invite them to come live in your apartment … in Canada. Just sayin’. — Margo, intuitively
Whatever works
Dear Margo: My father cheated on my mother and acted as if he’d done nothing wrong. Two decades later, he still hasn’t admitted any wrongdoing, which is typical of him. Mom is happily remarried, and I’m basically over it. My relationship with Dad is now one of intermittent e-mail exchanges and the occasional phone call. What do you think about leaving it at that? — Undecided
Dear Un: I’m not sure I see the problem here. If there’s an intermittent e-mail connection with a few phone calls, that seems to be the comfort level at which you both function well. Are either of you pushing for a more involved relationship? I’m for people doing what is comfortable. As for his “admitting wrongdoing,” it would be to your mother, not to you, that the apology is owed. This makes me question whether you are “basically over it.” You might want to resolve this question by booking a few sessions with a therapist. — Margo, decidedly
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
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