Dear Margo: You might say my problem falls under the heading of bioethics. The subject is that of surrogate parenting in developing countries.
My two children and I live in an apartment building, a friendly one. One couple in our building, well into their 50s, announced the impending arrival of their baby, which was conceived with the husband’s sperm overseas. A neighbor decided to host a baby shower when they brought the baby home. This neighbor said my daughter and I would be invited because family members on both sides were so upset and shocked by the whole thing that no one was acknowledging the event.
Well, it turns out that taking care of the baby is hard for them. Previously, they just had a cat. I have seen the father at the playground reading a book while his now toddler daughter is on the jungle gym. My son, being a 10-year-old boy, assumed the father had an affair with a strange woman. Because he’s a bright and scientific type, I explained the situation. I explained that scientist-doctors in India handled it in a laboratory.
I’m just wondering what you think of this. Apparently, it is very expensive to get a surrogate American mother, so this “international/intercultural approach” is what these folks decided on. And … they confided in our neighbor that they are planning another one. They say the second one is much cheaper! I remember Ann Landers and her MYOB, which I totally agree with, but I’m curious about your opinion of surrogate parenting in developing countries. The phenomenon of “older” women and men who want to be parents is also bothering me. — Curious
Dear Cur: Although these issues are academic for both of us, here’s what I think. The trend toward older parents is quite real, only partially because of older men remarrying younger women. (That way, only one parent is mistaken for the grandparent.) I guess my answer would be to quote a young woman of my acquaintance, 13 when her 80-year-old father died: “There ought to be a law against geezers having children.” There does seem to be a selfish aspect involved. As for Third World surrogacy, this is clearly a market-driven issue, and mixed-race adopted children are now quite common. — Margo, acceptingly
No Martha Stewart, she
Dear Margo: I had to deal with something that struck me as kind of weird. My husband and I are graduate students living in married housing at our university. There is a nice enough girl I see sometimes at the mailboxes or in the hall. (We live on the same floor.) First, she asked me if I could show her how to use the wash machines and dryers. (She couldn’t figure out how the quarters worked or where to put the soap!) Then she asked if I would show her how to work her stove. At least she knew how to make ice. I helped her with the things she didn’t understand, but how can you be in your 20s and not know such things? I didn’t feel comfortable asking her how it is that she knows nothing about keeping house. (And who knows what she’ll need lessons in next?) What do you make of this? — Bemused
Dear Be: Oh, my. Maybe this girl was raised in a castle and knew not how things worked “below stairs.” She certainly had a sheltered upbringing — or at least her mother had a maid. (And clearly her husband didn’t marry her for her housekeeping.) The lesson here, I guess, is that not everybody knows everything. I must say that your neighbor reminds me of my most favorite story (apocryphal, to be sure). A dowager one day saw a pile of fall leaves on her neighbor’s lawn. She was heard to ask one of her staff, “How beautiful! Where do you get them?” So just laugh, kiddo, and pass on your domestic goddess information, remembering that certain things are just beyond some people’s experience. — Margo, domestically
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
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