Dear Margo: So, my long-awaited first grandbaby is coming. The subject came up of how the baby is to address his or her extended family, full of grandparents and great-grandparents. However, we also have second spouses who were not part of the earlier years. So, being me and obsessed with titles, how does a grandchild address the wife of their grandfather? I had one — I called her “Miz Emma.” I certainly never thought of calling her Gramma. I called my Gramma’s husband Mr. Martin. Of course, in those days, anyone you didn’t know well was Mr. or Mrs. or Miss. What do you think would be appropriate for a grandchild to call step-grandparents? — PV
Dear P: Some families don’t mind having three “Grandmas” and two “Grandpas.” Often, kids will land on a name themselves. In our family, my stepson’s 3-year-old calls me “Pa’s friend Margo.” She knows who her actual grandmothers are, and she knows I go with “Pa,” but she has not quite grasped the concept of marriage. I hope the name sticks. My guess is that your little one on the way will find her own names with, perhaps, a little prompting. — Margo, nominally
When is it reasonable to cut off friends?
Dear Margo: My husband thinks I have a problem. I’m slow to reveal myself. Once there’s a relationship, however, and the person, to my mind, has betrayed me, I shut the door forever. This is where my husband says I have a problem: He thinks I’m too hard on people and should forgive and forget. I don’t feel that the matters that trigger my shutdowns are trivial.
For example, I have shut my brothers out of my life. One has been in prison for 20 years, and when I tried to reach out while our mother was dying, he became manipulative and tried to paint my husband as a bad person. It was the continuation of a pattern, and I walked away, telling him my choice would always be my husband. The other treated our mother like dirt while she was living with him and his family, and at Mom’s memorial service, he referred to the gathering as my “pity party” because I took Mom into my home and cared for her through her illness and death. I wrote him off.
A friendship with a girlfriend of 20 years ended when I saw text messages of a sexual nature to my husband. She had been on a quest the past couple of years to go through her high school yearbook, look up every boy she ever thought was cute and seduce him. I felt she was getting bored with the high school memories and wanted to make some new ones, so I deep-sixed that friendship. Hubby thought that was harsh. Is he right? Do I have a problem? — Sports Mom
Dear Sport: I would say no — but only because I am more like you than the turn-the-other-cheek type. People who see it our way are called “judgmental.” (Though I think, really, everyone makes judgments; they just may not act on them or talk about them.) I believe that some behavior is acceptable and some is not. (The girlfriend hitting on your husband deserved immediate expulsion from the circle.) The central issue, of course, is to be mature about what is too petty to be bothered by. From my 20s on, my mother always said she hoped I would become more tolerant. I think I have, with age. And maybe you will, too. I hope your husband can respect your standards for what you deem the cutoff point to be. — Margo, individually
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
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