Although one race is not yet settled, it appears that Colorado Republicans have gained a 33-32 majority in Colorado’s House of Representatives. If the majority holds, Frank McNulty of Highlands Ranch will preside as its speaker.
Already he has appointed committee chairs while renaming several committees. For instance, the Transportation and Energy Committee will now be the Transportation Committee, and Business Affairs and Labor will become Economic and Business Development.
While there have been a few complaints about these changes, I’ve been pleasantly surprised that there aren’t more adjustments. After listening to Republican candidates in recent months, I was expecting some committees like these:
Proper Education Committee. Initially the body would focus on ways for Douglas County zealots to use tax money for religious schools in violation of our state constitution’s guarantee that “No person shall be required to attend or support any ministry or place of worship, religious sect or denomination against his consent.”
After the committee has found a way to weasel around that provision, then it could consider bills to adjust Colorado’s school curriculum to fall into line with contemporary GOP policy. Elaborate mathematical theories would explain how to cut taxes and increase spending.
In English, students would learn to fabricate words like “refudiate” and to make fun of kids who use dictionaries. Biology would focus on Intelligent Design. And, as a byproduct, Oct. 23 would become a state holiday, since Archbishop James Ussher reckoned that was the date of creation in 4004 B.C.
Unnatural Resources Committee. It would start by holding hearings to determine how much energy companies can charge landowners for those precious commodities — ranging from benzene to uranium salts to secret fracking formulas — that rural landowners have been using their water wells to steal from the energy developers. These are, after all, valuable materials, and the landowners have been getting them for free.
Misappropriations Committee. This will attempt to restore old tax breaks while creating new ones for favored groups. Thus there will be an effort to restore the sales-tax exemption on healthy, nutritious candy and soda. Meanwhile, the committee will devise new ways to implement “enterprise zones” and similar rewards to multinational corporations that will depart Colorado for any state that offers them a better deal.
Opposition Political Resources Consumption Committee. One reason right-thinkers did well here in the 2010 election is that Democrats, along with sensible Republicans, had to spend time, money and effort in defeating measures like Amendments 60, 61, 62 and 63.
But you can’t trust the public to petition bizarre stuff onto every ballot, and so this committee will be charged with devising referendums to rile the sensible, thereby diverting their attention from various tax hustles and swindles, among other things.
Tea Party Reconciliation Committee. The new fire-breathers will get named to this one, where they can hold extensive hearings on repealing the state income tax, easing the ballot requirements for inane amendments to the state constitution, recalling judges, returning U.S. Senate selection to the General Assembly and removing Colorado from Medicaid, the federal Affordable Care Act and the dreaded United Nations urban bicycle initiative.
With their own committee, they can posture for the benefit of their faithful, but fortunately, none of this will become law on account of . . .
The Death Panel. That’s the new name, and a more accurate title, for the State, Veterans and Military Affairs Committee, where bills have gone to die for generations.
Ed Quillen (ekquillen@gmail.com) of Salida is a regular contributor to The Denver Post.
