Dear Amy: I have been dating “Connie” for six months.
She is by far the best girlfriend I have ever had. She is comfortable in her own skin and accepts me as I am. She is very kind and understanding, unpretentious and a lot of fun to be with.
This past week we discussed living together and discussed our sexual histories. She told me that for almost two years she experimented with many sexual situations; some of them quite wild and extreme.
Connie didn’t excuse her behavior. She said that she did what she did because she wanted to, and that this is in her past and she will not engage in those practices again.
I have never been that adventuresome; my own history seems quite boring in comparison. I am confused by her previous behavior and more confused by my own feelings.
I really love her, but this revelation bothers me. I told her that. She said that who she is now is based on her life experiences, and if I want to end our relationship, she would be disappointed and hurt, but she can’t undo the past.
She said she wants a monogamous relationship with me.
Amy, I am sure you have had more experience than I have in this area. Are there any clues for sorting out my feelings? — Anxious Guy
Dear Anxious: Thank you for assuming I have experience walking on the wild side. (At my age, fantasizing about things that didn’t actually happen is about the most fun I get to have.)
I do know about feelings, however. Feelings get sorted out, one painful moment at a time.
Your girlfriend is right about many things — including that the entirety of her experiences makes her who she is. She sounds authentic, likable and honest.
I suggest that you two sit down and discuss every aspect of her sexual past that you are curious about and that you try not to blame her for behavior she doesn’t regret. Of course, you should both also be tested for STDs.
Monogamy is a choice your girlfriend sounds eager to make. Trust is a choice too.
Dear Amy: I am a clergyman and officiate at a lot of weddings. A recurring problem is brides wanting children to be ring bearers or flower girls when the kids are too young.
My experience is that they are ready for this at age 4 and older, but many brides choose children as young as 2, or even younger (one had to be pulled down the aisle in a wagon because he couldn’t walk well yet).
For some reason, couples ignore the obvious inability of most little ones to do the job, and then are disappointed when the child wanders around, cries or refuses to walk the aisle, also creating an unpleasant disruption in a formal setting.
Amy, please share with your readers my view that, first of all, a ring bearer or flower girl is not necessary for weddings. If they desire this, then the children should be at least 4 years old.
And if, like some of my brides, they feel they have a social obligation to include tiny relatives, then have the kids do something like helping the ushers pass out worship bulletins. — Pastor Mark Wilms, Blue Earth, Minn.
Dear Pastor: I agree completely. Expecting young children to perform perfectly in a high-stakes environment is a recipe for tantrums. And there is nothing worse than a flower girl and a bride having tandem tantrums.
Dear Amy: Responding to “Scared Sister,” whose sister let her dog jump on her during visits — both the dog owner and the dog need training. The dog needs to be taught not to jump. The owner should take an obedience class to teach the dog how to behave when greeting people. — Bobbie
Dear Bobbie: Cesar Millan, “The Dog Whisperer,” says he rehabilitates dogs and trains people.
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