Dear Carolyn: I’m gay. Congratulations, you’re the first person I’ve told. I’ve had a number of miserable hetero relationships that obviously couldn’t go anywhere, but I’m starting to go crazy. I live in a part of the country where there is no real “gay community,” and my family isn’t exactly gay-friendly. If I were to start over someplace else, I’d be doing it completely alone. Not to mention that I am in a doomed relationship with someone whose heart I don’t want to break. I have no idea where to turn. — Huntsville, Ala.
Dear Huntsville: This isn’t about being closeted in Huntsville. Anytime you feel stuck, sort the reasons into two piles: constants and choices. Then remind yourself as often as necessary that every choice can be changed.
I can argue that you’re “completely alone” right where you are. And, as long as you’re choosing not to live openly where you are, and not to move away, then you’ll never foreseeably be anything but alone. Nor will your partner in relationship doom; that breakup needs to come now.
Maybe it feels unsafe to come out; only you can assess that.
And maybe you feel too insecure/unstable to start over alone. Fair enough. But: “completely alone” is the way countless people arrive in new locations to launch new lives.
Some moves that are conceived as fresh starts can spiral into alienation. The more vulnerable you are, the more safeguards you need to build into your relocation.
For you, that might just mean you shop for your new community carefully, holding out for professional opportunity and societal open-mindedness — and also scout ahead for gay-friendly volunteer or community groups. Also, avoid strict leases and keep escape funds in savings. Your needs may be emotional, but be practical in your plans.
Dear Carolyn: I have a 21-year-old son, impulsive by nature, who unexpectedly joined the military and is serving in Afghanistan. He has placed many tattoos on his body, which I find so unattractive. He knows how I feel but states it is his body.
Recently, I went to his Facebook page to correspond with him, and noticed he got another large tattoo. I am devastated, and feel he is turning into a cartoon. My soul is torn apart.
I feel as if he has never honored or cared for my feelings. How do I accept that my son has become everything I do not respect? — Anonymous
Dear Anonymous: How did we get from tattoos to “everything I do not respect”? To “never honored or cared for my feelings”?
The importance (to you) of keeping ink out of his skin can’t be the only value you tried to instill in him. Presumably you also stressed the importance of service, of pulling his weight, of being his own man, of staying close to the people he loves? Of not judging books by covers?
He’s serving his country, supporting himself, owning his choices and staying in touch with Mommy from a war zone.
And you’re distancing yourself because of what’s on his skin.
Perhaps his streak is rebellion against your rigid beliefs. I hope that you stop dwelling on what his appearance says about you, and start thinking about what his heart says about him.
E-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at .
