Dear Amy: A few days ago my 14- year-old daughter came to me and said she has been considering having sex with her boyfriend.
We sat down and talked for a couple of hours about birth control and safe sex practices, and decided together that she should wait six months to see if she still has the same feelings toward this boy. At that time we would discuss the topic again. (I even noted it in my calendar so I don’t forget.)
What shocked me the most was when she told me she went to her grandmother (my mom) first, and my mother’s response was, “Do what you want to do, as long as you are having fun.”
My mother told her not to talk to me about this because I would only get upset.
My mouth dropped to the ground.
When I try talking to my mother about this, she refuses and says she has done nothing wrong.
Both of my parents have been living with my two daughters and me for the past six months. I have been supporting my folks. I want to tell them to pack their stuff and get out!
What is the best way to respond to this? — Miffed Mom
Dear Miffed: I appreciate your calm and open response to your daughter, but you don’t mention ever telling her, explicitly, not to have sex.
I agree that the best place to learn about sex and birth control is from one’s parents, but if you don’t want your daughter to have sex, then you should also state this — emphatically.
You should also make sure her boyfriend understands where you stand. Your mother’s suggestion that your daughter keep this a secret from you is unconscionable.
If your daughter follows her grandmother’s advice, you have a better-than-fair chance of supporting four generations of family in your household.
You should make sure that both your parents understand that they must defer to you when it comes to all parenting questions .
Dear Amy: My boyfriend and I have been together for two years now. He’s very sweet and we agree on everything — except his father.
My boyfriend refuses to introduce me as his girlfriend to his father. His father and I have met before, but under the guise of “friends.”
According to my boyfriend, his father would “freak out” if he knew his son was in a relationship.
When we started dating we were both under 18, so my boyfriend had to obey his father’s rules.
But now we are both adults in college, and after two years of secret dates I’m ready for my boyfriend to do the right thing, not only for the sake of our relationship but also for his father.
I’ve already been introduced to my boyfriend’s mother and his grandmother as his girlfriend.
We all — mother, grandmother and girlfriend — think that when the father finds out, his issue will not be that his son has a girlfriend, but that he wasn’t told.
Any advice? — Tired of Secrets
Dear Tired: All of the women in your boyfriend’s life have weighed in about his integrity issue. And now you should all back off.
I agree with you that his secrecy about your relationship could potentially backfire into an issue of trust with his father.
He needs to “man up” and be honest about his life. The sooner he tells his dad that his friendship with you blossomed into a romance, the sooner you can all move on.
Dear Amy: About two years ago I started getting e-mails from professional colleagues that were signed off with the word “Best.”
Am I the only one who finds this pompous? — Codger
Dear Codger: I agree that this is annoying.
I’ll run suggestions from readers on the best way to sign off on a professional e-mail.
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