Dear Amy: I have lived with my significant other, “Martin,” for 16 years. We own a house together. The past few years, I have tried to tell him we were growing apart, but he never believed we were.
Recently, a woman he dated 30 years ago e-mailed him. They began an online and phone relationship. While he and I were visiting my family, he said he was visiting cousins in another city when he was actually meeting her at a motel.
Within a month, they decided they were going to dump their partners for this new relationship.He finally told me about her and even proposed having her come to the house to identify what items she would like to have that we jointly own.
Amy, he does not believe he did anything shameful. He justifies all his actions by saying they are in love.
He has yet to apologize for his conduct or admit that any of it was dishonest or dishonorable, and now he says that since I said we were growing apart it made him vulnerable to her overtures.
What do you think of his conduct? — Disgusted
Dear Disgusted: “Martin” will not admit to any wrongdoing and will not apologize.
I agree that his behavior is reprehensible. You should contact a lawyer and begin the process of separating your property.
Let your lawyer do the talking about how to dissolve your common-law marriage (if this status is recognized in your state) and do your best to move on.
Dear Amy: I do not want to attend my future daughter-in-law’s bridal shower.
She and my stepson have lived together for more than two years and have a son together. I do many things for this grandson. I do not want him to suffer because of his parents’ poor judgment.
They live on my stepson’s small salary and credit cards. We are giving them $10,000 plus the rehearsal dinner for 60 people and the bar bill at the reception for 250 to 300 people.
I feel once you have lived together and have a child together, you don’t have a formal wedding with the white dress, 16 bridal attendants, destination bachelor and bachelorette parties, a 10-day honeymoon, etc. Especially when you are in debt.
After we told the bride what we would contribute, she said that my husband and I should probably take out a loan so we could do more for the wedding. I would like to send a modest gift and my regrets. Is that OK? — Disappointed
Dear Disappointed: You can do whatever you want to do. However, if you don’t attend this event, your relationship with this couple — such as it is — will be affected.
If you don’t go to the shower, it is not necessary to send a gift. You and your husband should establish exactly whatever financial boundaries you choose, and stick with your promises, regardless of the pressure this couple exerts. The best gift to them might be a session with a financial adviser.
Their debt load will bury them, and if you and your husband are not willing to bail them out, you should make this clear.
Dear Amy: Most of the time I think your advice is spot on, but in the case of “Conflicted” (who has Internet evidence that a friend’s husband is looking for casual “encounters”), I think you missed an important consideration.
In this era of sexually transmitted diseases, the husband could be endangering his wife’s health. My experience with my ex-husband indicates that as cheaters continue to cheat without getting caught, they get bolder and/or more careless.
If the husband is the innocent victim of a misunderstanding, he should be able to prove it easily.
The wife should be informed. — Ex-wife in Denver
Dear Denver: Many readers agree with you — that all suspicions should be reported because of the risk of STDs.
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