Dear Carolyn: My 34-year-old daughter is engaged to a wonderful man, 40. They plan to be married in her hometown (his family is from out of state), but that is all they can agree upon in regard to the wedding. Her fiance would like to have his family there, but knows it will be a disaster if he does. His mother is apparently a major control freak who will do anything either to sabotage, control or load on the guilt.
They know his mother will have issues with everything from their not being married in a Catholic church by her priest brother to leaving out one of her 11 siblings or some of his 35 first cousins. He has tried to talk to her about these issues, but gets nowhere.
He says if he doesn’t invite his family, then he will feel strange with all her family at the wedding while he doesn’t have anyone there. He has suggested they elope.
What would you suggest? — Anonymous
Dear Anonymous: These “kids” average 37 years old. Surely they can figure out the wedding they want to have, create a budget for it, and pull together a proportionate guest list that accurately reflects who is closest to them. And make arrangements themselves and send out invitations as the date approaches.
In other words: They don’t need to discuss this process with his mother or with anyone but each other, their officiant and their vendors — anything about their plans, choices, guest list, philosophies, or their adherence to/departures from faith, tradition or anyone else’s expectations.
His mother will harp no matter what, so the couple might as well skip trying to please (or dodge) Mama and go straight to ignoring her.
When the inevitable criticism comes, the groom is free to say he’s 40 years old and quite capable of deciding what suits him. Otherwise, the best plan is for the couple to expect trouble and build it into their plans.
If the couple envisions a perfect wedding as one where his mom doesn’t act up, then they’re setting themselves up for disappointment of one form or another. In this case, the perfect wedding is one where the mother acts up and nobody cares.
Dear Carolyn: I have a young relative who has decided to marry in Sweden because her future husband’s family lives in the country and they love it. At the very least, I am expected to attend. I find this presumptuous. It will cost a great deal of money, and a significant amount of vacation time. I suppose I will attend. But I am most resentful. Can you enlighten future brides on the hardship in such wedding plans? — Attending
Dear Attending: Sure, but only if you enlighten me on how it wouldn’t cost the Swedish relatives anything to travel to the States. Just because some weddings that demand travel are self-indulgent doesn’t mean all of them are. Couples with international or even just cross-country ties simply can’t get married among family and friends without asking some to travel. In these cases, blaming the couple for your hardship is akin to blaming them for selfishly refusing to find mates from within a two-hour driving radius of your home.
If it costs too much, then don’t go. If/when the bride says you’re “expected” to attend and guilts you for not going, then you can pin the blame on the bride.
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