Dear Amy:I am a 40-year-old mother of a 9-year-old son.
My husband and I split up more than a year ago. He left me for another woman.
Our son understands what’s going on, but he doesn’t want me to date. I told him that if I went out it would be during a weekend when he is at his father’s house.
I told him I think I have a right to have fun, but he doesn’t want me dating anyone. I also told him that he is the No. 1 man in my life and if anyone I do date can’t accept him, then I don’t need that person in my life.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t want my son to feel as if he is losing me. But I also think I should be able to be happy. — Confused Mother
Dear Confused: You and your son are engaged in an important conversation about your life — and his.
The good news is that he is sharing his feelings and stating his views (many 9-year-olds wouldn’t be capable of doing this).
You need to understand his vulnerabilities and react with compassion.
Young children don’t see dating as “fun,” are fearful of strangers coming into the family and don’t want to share their parents.
However, young children are not capable of making adult choices, and you should reassure him that you are the adult. He needs to understand that he can trust you to make good decisions for both of you.
I suggest you say to him, “I understand how you feel about this, and I want you to trust that I will always put you first. But I have grown-up friends, and I want to make new friends — just as you want to make friends — and all of my friends know that I care the most about you.”
Don’t involve your son in your dating life. Date if you want to, but don’t go into detail about it unless you engage in a relationship that you feel is serious. It’s important for you to be cautious, calm and steady about your romantic life.
Dear Amy: It’s been a year since I broke up with my boyfriend, and it’s been a difficult time. The relationship ended badly, and I wish I could talk to him so that we are at peace, but he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore.
He has a girlfriend, which holds me back from talking to him. I am always tempted to look for him, but I don’t.
My friends think I shouldn’t bother with him, but I feel that I need closure to move on with my life.
What do you think that I should do? — Need Closure
Dear Closure: Closure is tricky business — you should do whatever possible to enable yourself to move on. But contacting your ex might not bring you the closure you desire. In fact, it might create even more confusion for you.
It might help to imagine a dialogue with your ex. Write it down. Assume that you state your feelings and he responds negatively — or doesn’t respond at all. If stating your case — regardless of his response — will help you, then reach out to him. But the exercise of imagining both sides of this conversation might help to free you from the impulse.
Ultimately, you are responsible for getting what you need from this experience — and you may have to do so without his help.
Dear Amy: The letter from “Disgusted,” whose boss was a noisy eater, reminded me of a boss I had once with a gas problem.
Our boss would loudly pass gas all day long, seemingly unaware that we all could hear him in the outer office.
At first we were disgusted by it, but after time went on we were merely amused. Every time it happened, we would just look at one another, shrug and share a silent laugh.
He was one of the best bosses I ever had, so his problem seems rather endearing as I look back now. — Formerly Disgusted
Dear Formerly: This gives new meaning to having the benefit of “hindsight.” Thank you!
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