Dear Amy: My grown daughter has been through some hard times. She left an abusive husband and is raising her two children alone, far from family.
Her ex-husband is still in the picture and sees the kids regularly, so he is still in her life — and causing her a great deal of stress. He has stopped paying child support, which doesn’t help.
Even though her husband was abusive, and they’ve been divorced for five years, my daughter can’t seem to move on.
She is constantly broke, usually upset by something he has done and tells us we don’t understand what it’s like to be always “off-balance” — he is always threatening a custody battle. It’s clear to her family that he is too big of a loser to ever succeed in that.
We’ve all supported her emotionally — and financially at times — but she still seems unable or unwilling to stand up to this man, focus on her children and her goals in life and not let herself be defined by this experience.
I don’t have the financial or emotional resources to keep this up. What can we do to help her move on? — Concerned Mom
Dear Concerned: If your daughter’s ex-husband is able to pay child support but doesn’t, he is a deadbeat. She can seek to collect child support payments through her local Office of Child Support Enforcement, .
Collecting overdue payments will solve some problems, but it won’t fix the issues at your daughter’s core. Her description of being off-balance perfectly conveys her emotional state.
Because you don’t live near your daughter, you might be able to help her the most by researching resources in her area to which she might turn for help.
Her local office of family and children’s services should offer low- or no-cost counseling and assistance.
Dear Amy: I am in a long-term relationship with my girlfriend. We are in our early 20s, and we talk about everything. But the thing that concerns me is her position about having children.
I would like to have at least one biological child with my life partner.
She makes it clear that for various reasons she does not want to give birth; she would prefer to adopt.
I have no problem with adopting, but having a biological child is something I want to experience. My girlfriend thinks it is a mistake to adopt one child and give birth to another.
She tells me that anything can happen, and I know that sometimes people change their minds about things.
I love her, but am I wasting my time with this relationship? — Unsure
Dear Unsure: You don’t say what your girlfriend’s issues are with giving birth, but the possibilities are that she is scared of the whole process (I certainly was at that age); that she is committed to offering a family to children who don’t have one (laudable); or that she doesn’t want to dip into your gene pool (or her own).
You should discuss this until you are confident you understand and accept (or reject) her reasoning.
She is definitely right about this: Anything can happen. The biggest thing you two have in common is that you both want children.
Regardless of the biological circumstances, once you truly accept a child as yours, you are together for life.
Dear Amy: “Unsure Dad in California” wondered how much rent to charge his college-graduate son.
When I finished college and lived at home, my parents charged me 25 percent of my monthly earnings.
That figure came from the fact that once one moves out, rent should be about that much of your monthly budget.
Parents can save that income and give it to their adult child when the time comes for a down payment for a house. — In Favor of Rent
Dear Favor: Everybody wins!
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