Hello, Carolyn: I’m a 44-year-old man, divorced three years. My girlfriend was in a relationship that ended four years ago.
My ex had numerous affairs — yes, I was an idiot for staying, but with three children you think that’s the best thing to do, even though it’s not — and I found out about two affairs through e-mails and texts that she (ignorantly or purposely) left for me to find.
I love my girlfriend and trust her more than anything in the world, which I never would have thought possible after my divorce. But she thinks it is fine to contact her ex-fiance, as they are just friends and have a history together. I believe her when she says she could never be with him again.
However, the problem I have with this is in trying to forget about my past and the terrible things my ex put me through with e-mails and texting. My girlfriend said she won’t tell me when she communicates with her ex so as not to stress me out, but that makes it worse because now I think she is going to hide something from me.
I have told her repeatedly that being in touch with her ex is not appropriate. — Anonymous
Dear Anonymous: So which one is this really about — propriety, trust or Post Traumatic Marriage Disorder? I suspect the last one is the true heart of your unease, and that’s both awful and understandable. When the mother of your three kids has multiple clandestine affairs, you’re going to carry that with you for sure.
But that doesn’t make it OK to shift your burden onto your girlfriend. As long as she’s being forthright with you, calling her inappropriate is inappropriate. It’s perfectly decent — and potentially therapeutic for you — for her to continue a friendship that predates your relationship.
It’s also simply not logically consistent to say you “trust her more than anything in the world” but fear relationship ruin at the hands of . . . e-mail?
You were burned, severely, and this runaway suspicion/anxiety is your scarring. However, she’s not the one who needs to change in service of your ghost; you are. Put your past to rest; you should decide: “It happened and it’s done.”
E-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at .
