Dear Amy: My girlfriend and I have been dating for over a year. She dated her ex-boyfriend for a month or two, and then they became “friends with benefits” until shortly before she and I met.
I don’t feel comfortable with her seeing him alone.
She likes to have dinners at his house alone with him, and if I object, she tells me I’m being controlling, jealous and suspicious.
I do trust her completely, but I don’t know this guy’s intentions and I feel like she isn’t respecting me or our relationship by continuing this behavior. I have met this man once since we have been dating.
She is a flirty person and on more than one occasion I have caught her sending him text messages telling him how attractive he is. He calls her about once a week to complain about some minor thing in his life, and she coddles him. When confronted, she tells me he has low self-esteem and she is trying to make him feel better.
She claims she does not care if I get together privately with an ex-girlfriend because she trusts me, but I don’t keep in contact with anyone from my romantic past and feel this isn’t fair.
Am I being controlling by asking her to stop this behavior, or is this just something I have to accept? — Sad Boyfriend
Dear Boyfriend: Your girlfriend is quite concerned with her ex’s self-esteem, and she’s willing to risk your self-esteem in order to make him feel good.
Your girlfriend is making it clear that you cannot control her. On the contrary, she is controlling you by making you just a little bit crazy and I wonder if she might be enjoying this dynamic.
I suggest that you admit to feeling jealous, suspicious and insecure.
You frame your choices as: 1. getting her to stop meeting and flirting with her ex, or 2. tolerating it.
But there is a third choice, too. You should consider that you and she are not a good fit.
Dear Amy: I have just returned home from a week with my siblings and our father. We have been worried because Dad is aging and soon won’t be able to handle his affairs. His lawyer recommended that all five of us make a plan to meet at Dad’s together and schedule meetings with all the important people in his life.
Dad bought tickets for those of us who needed them, and we all gathered (no spouses) for a week with scheduled appointments with his doctor, financial adviser, lawyer and personal caretakers.
We asked questions and heard important information. We went out to lunch and dinner with Dad, reminisced and laughed. Now we are all on the same page concerning Dad’s care and questions on how to pay for it.
I just wanted other families out there to consider taking the time out while their parents are still around to address some of these issues together. They could avoid some painful blowups later with siblings. — Thankful Daughter
Dear Daughter: You say you and your siblings gave yourselves a gift. But I give your father much credit for participating in this process. You’ve all handled this challenging issue very well.
Dear Amy: I am responding to the letter from “Morgan,” who bemoaned the fact that friends seemed to abandon a dying friend because they were “uncomfortable.”
My late father-in-law told my husband and me many years ago that when in doubt about what to do in any circumstance, such as going or not going to a funeral or to visit a dying friend, one should always do the hardest thing, because that is usually the right thing.
It is difficult to attend a sad service, but it is the right thing to do. — No Guilty Conscience
Dear Conscience: I completely agree with this simple and very sage wisdom: When in doubt, one should do the hardest thing, because that is usually the right thing.
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
