Dear Margo: My boyfriend is amorous in the morning. Because he has to be at work at 6 a.m., morning for him is 5 o’clock! For me, 5 is the middle of the night, as I don’t have to rise until 8. Additionally, I have a health problem that is aggravated if I don’t take good care of myself — and sleeping eight hours is the most important thing I can do. I also tend toward insomnia, and once woken, it is hard for me to fall back asleep.
Frankly, I am pretty furious at his requests for early morning quickies (meaning no foreplay — not that that would make me happy at that time in the morning). He doesn’t seem to give a rat’s behind if I am asleep or not! These sessions are certainly not for my pleasure. Whatever time we go to bed, he is too tired to have sex after 10 hours of work, but is frisky at a time when I’m dead to the world. A good friend says she always “accommodates” her boyfriend — even if it’s in the middle of the night — which strikes me as being like a housewife from the ’50s! I’ve tried that, but I’m hating him more daily for not caring whether or not I am awake.
I should add that he has ADD, so there are other areas where I feel he does not care about my time. He will interrupt me to ask a question, regardless of whether I am meditating, saying my prayers for the night or what have you. I often joke that I could be doing brain surgery and he would interrupt to ask, “Honey, is there mango in this juice?” Otherwise, he’s a kind and good-hearted man. I don’t necessarily want to end it, but I do feel disrespected. And if I do turn him down, how can I phrase it nicely? — Next Time I am Going To Smack Him!
Dear Next: My dear, as a late sleeper myself, I am more sympathetic than you know. That said, you need to ignore the advice of your “accommodating” girlfriend, lay down the law, and get some respect. As for him not caring if you’re awake or not, there is no “nice” way to turn him down, but you might suggest a blowup doll. If he’s really a great guy (except for his total disregard for your health and your wishes), I would try the following: Explain, in detail, your point of view. If necessary, go to a couple’s counselor to help him see things your way. If those options fail, call it a day. — Margo, considerately
Grounding No Cure for Cutting
Dear Margo: I’m a senior in high school. I recently learned that my close friend “Dane” is a cutter. He is 15 years old and prone to depression. His parents are not receptive to his needs, but he needs some kind of help. I’ve told him that cutting is not going to do any good, but that only goes so far. I’m sincerely worried that he might do something serious — as in, go beyond cutting. I am trying my best to help him, but he is currently grounded for three months, so no phone, no Internet, no leaving the house except for school. It is about week three of that, and since I see him infrequently in school, I worry that if he needs help, he’ll have no way to communicate that to the people who do care about him. What can I do to help him? — J
Dear J: I think the best thing you can do is go to the school counselor or the principal to relay your concerns. You are in no position to deal with this, but they are. Their possible courses of action are to involve his parents, recommend counseling or alert child protective services if the problem is at home. You don’t say why he is grounded, but three months is quite a severe punishment — and if it is for cutting himself, his folks are seriously on the wrong track. You are a good friend to want to help. — Margo, resolutely
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
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