Dear Carolyn: My girlfriend and I are at an impasse. Before we were together, she had a year-long relationship with a married man. She says she regrets it, but insists on defending him whenever the topic comes up. I am always very bothered to hear her defend this guy. She no longer talks to him but still refers to his having been a good friend. Last we heard from him, he’d called her drunk, looking to hook up. He’s still married. Should I just let it go? — Impasse
Dear Impasse: You certainly have grounds for concern; a year-long affair with a married man is a huge, sustained lapse in judgment, and it’s important that you figure out whether it’s an example of her values or a rare departure from them.
However, she might also have grounds for concern about you. It’s a bad sign when a current partner asks you (openly or by implication) to trash ex-partners as a compulsory dance of loyalty/ purity/shame.
While an adulterous spouse is hard to defend, it’s easy to defend the complexity of people and our emotional attachments to them. Maybe the two of them shared a genuine friendship before they drove it into a wall; it might actually be to her credit that she’s not bad-mouthing him just to satisfy you. Even if your girlfriend just sees her ex as having good points as well as bad, then she’s right to refuse to disavow him entirely. You may see it as defending a bad man or a bad choice, but she might see it as standing up for herself.
And, she’s not trying to hide him or his booty call(s). As long as she’s not using him to push your buttons, her honesty is a plus.
Dear Carolyn: My husband and I have been married two years, we both have good jobs. I am planning on starting grad school in the fall. I’ve told my husband I’d like to get 12 credits under my belt before we have kids so I can keep the momentum going. I know he’s really ready, he’s made it very clear.
I’m ready too, but my hesitation is twofold: I’m only 26, and I feel like it’s a keeping-up-with-the- Joneses moment for him. Several of our friends and family are pregnant. I’m an over-preparer and my husband is my opposite. I guess I’m just looking for reassurance that we’re ready and that his rush is based in his love for me and his desire to share parenthood with me. — Anonymous
Dear Anonymous: It’s hard to imagine a question I’m less able to answer or one that’s any more intimate than yours. Whether your husband’s motives are good or pure is a profound question, one that has everything to do with trust — or lack of it, which seeps through the words in your letter.
You say you over-prepare and your husband is “my opposite.” Would you say he under-prepares? Do you think he’s irresponsible? By any standards, or just by your hyper-careful ones?
The urgent need here isn’t for a negotiated deal on when to start trying for a child. It’s for you two to reconcile your differing approaches to life, so you both can come to — here it is again — trust each other.
When you’d both feel confident handing a baby over to the other for the day, without fear the other will screw everything up in your absence, yet mindful of your highly different approaches, that’s when you’re ready for kids.
E-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at .
