Dear Amy: How can I (or should I?) tactfully end obligatory gift-giving among relatives who barely know one another?
I suggested a couple of times that we end this tradition, but it was poorly received each time.
The most reluctant to end this tradition has now forgotten my daughter’s birthday for the last three years, and I do believe it is purely an oversight on her part. Perhaps her computer reminder got wiped out.
None of the children who receive gifts has ever met the gift-giving aunts, and there is little communication amongst anyone except perhaps an e-mail on bigger holidays and thank-yous for these obligatory gifts!
I resent the hassle of sending gifts to anyone I have no emotional connection to, especially when it is clear it is done out of duty even by the one who wants to continue it.
When I suggested that we end this tradition her response was, “How sad special occasions would be if there were no gifts!”
Thanks in advance for your valued advice. — Re-sendful
Dear Re: Your question brings to mind a photograph of my sisters and me as children, dressed to the nines in fancy outfits (including hats and gloves) that were quite out of step with our rural life.
Where did these beautiful clothes come from?
Lord & Taylor, and Great-Aunt Betty — bless her. She was actually a cousin. We never met her. But my mother spoke of her often, with affection, because her annual generous gift package helped to forge (and keep) a connection.
You don’t have to send gifts to these relatives. In fact, I agree with you that this becomes silly at some point (cards are sometimes more memorable and easier to hang on to). But don’t stop these relatives from giving, and encourage your children to accept these gifts with gratitude.
Dear Amy: A few months ago a gentleman who attends my church began calling me and asking me out. I finally agreed to dinner one night but realized I really am not attracted to him.
I think he is a nice, lonely older guy, but I have no interest in dating him and would prefer to just be friends.
Whenever he calls me, he asks me out, and I just say I’m busy. I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I’m just not interested. How can I get the point across without hurting his feelings? — Concerned Congregant
Dear Congregant: You say you would prefer to be friends. Do you mean this, or would you rather not spend time with him at all?
There’s no wrong answer, but you need to make a decision, because if you really do want to be friends with this man, then you will have to grasp the controls of this romance cruise ship and slowly and steadily turn it around.
If you do want to be friends, you tell him the truth — because that’s what friends do.
If you don’t want to be friends, you also have to tell him the truth — because it’s the truth.
Stop throwing down the “I’m busy” card. It’s embarrassing — especially to him, because you are acting as if you have a scheduling issue when really you have an “I’m not into you” issue.
If you really want to be his friend, add, “If you want to sometimes do things together as friends, I’d like that. I don’t want to crimp your style, though, so I’ll let you decide.”
The truth might hurt, but dodging hurts too — and stands in the way of him possibly finding the right person to date.
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