Dear Carolyn: My son is getting married in four months. He and his fiancee have lived together for eight years and have a baby. The mother of the bride (MOTB), and the bride, have a huge wedding planned. MOTB has left me out of all the planning (I live about 10 hours away), with the exception of this: She’s asked me to pay for the rehearsal dinner, the limo ride and one hour of an open bar at the reception.
MOTB knows that I lost my job a year ago and now work a 16-hour-per-week job at minimum wage. I have been divorced from the groom’s father for years. MOTB has sent me e-mails detailing what she’s spent (over $20,000).
The rehearsal dinner has been changed to two nights before the wedding, which means an extra night in a hotel room, plus 10 hours of driving. My boyfriend, who is a farmer, will have to miss three days of harvest.
What’s the etiquette for couples who have lived together for eight years and have parents who can’t afford a “royal wedding”? Should I just be blunt with MOTB and tell her, “This is what I can afford, and this is what I’m paying for and nothing else”? — L.
Dear L.: Clearly MOTB (pronounced MOTba, like Mothra) needs to hear the truth. And it’s hard to argue with your suggested approach; as the one giving orders, she’s the one with the greatest need to know about the limits to what you can afford.
The one suggestion I’m tempted to make is that you respectfully decline to pay any wedding expenses at all. When traditional mores have been thrown out the window, attempts to enforce “traditional” rules aren’t about duty; they’re about vanity.
You want to serve your relationship with your son.
Two suggestions:
(1) Shelve the disgust at the fancy wedding. Yes, after eight years and a kid, it’s a bit much, but you can’t stop it.
(2) Talk to your son about your financial pinch. Not to complain about MOTB and not to punt entirely but to ask for his guidance given your circumstances. Show your son and his fiancee love and respect by including them in your decision.
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