Dear Amy: My ex-husband was mentally and physically abusive to my eldest son and me (he even held a gun to my head at one point). We have been divorced for many years.
I have undergone extensive therapy and used self-help groups to help me deal with the demons from that relationship. Some of the best advice I received was to avoid any and all situations that involved him, which I have gladly done.
My problem is this: My niece is having a reception for friends and family who could not come to her wedding, which took place in another country.
She has invited my ex-husband, and so I declined the invitation with absolutely no hard feelings at all.
Now my sister (the bride’s mother) and everyone else involved says I should just bury the hatchet and go to the reception.
I don’t think it is reasonable for them to request this, and I’d really appreciate your wisdom and advice. — Survivor
Dear Survivor: Why is your sister advocating for you to spend time with this person?
You must do whatever is best for you. And spending time with your abuser in a highly charged family social occasion is a terrible idea.
It is not only understandable but also smart to avoid someone who terrorized you, and if your family doesn’t understand this, then they’re just not trying hard enough.
Dear Amy: I dated a woman for almost five years. I felt that she was the love of my life and thought that she felt the same. We talked about moving in together.
We were both divorced and did not plan on getting married.
I broke up with her for many reasons. Mainly I felt that she finally showed her true colors, so I felt that it was better to break up earlier rather than wait until we moved in together.
I tried contacting her after I broke up with her, but she would not take my calls. I waited about five months before sending her a message that I wanted some things of mine that she still had.
One thing in particular that I want her to return to me is a diamond engagement/commitment ring that I gave her for Christmas. I gave her the ring to mark our lifetime commitment.
Was I right in asking for my things back, and shouldn’t she return the engagement ring to me? — Disgruntled
Dear Disgruntled: You should absolutely expect to have your things returned to you. But this ring is hers.
The ring wasn’t an engagement ring because, according to you, you two had no intention of getting married.
The way you describe it, the ring was a Christmas gift with symbolic value commemorating your commitment — and then you demonstrated your commitment by breaking up with her.
Dear Amy: As a veteran middle-school teacher, I would like to respond to the parent who was deciding whether to involve her 10- year-old in an intensive (and expensive) summer sport training program.
A couple of years ago, I posed an open-ended question to my class: “What would you like to do more than anything in life?”
One child responded, “Play basketball.”
It turned out that this girl was so involved in another sport that she could not explore any other activity.
I was so sad for her overscheduled teen life. So many of her peers were living under the same constraints.
With my own child, I recognized her interests and talents and then asked, “Would you like to try this?”
When her interest in an activity waned, she was allowed to withdraw.
In this way, she was allowed to define herself. She has turned into a unique and creative young adult.
— Voice of Reason
Dear Reason: Many readers agreed that intensive coaching for all but the most driven and talented 10-year- old was not a good idea.
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