Dear Amy: My father-in-law no longer wants to work.
He’s been laid off twice in the last five years.
He’s still able to work, but since his most recent layoff (more than six months ago), he’s stopped looking for a new job and has instead been taking investment “seminars” and investigating get-rich-quick schemes.
Meanwhile, his wife is paying all their bills on a minimum wage salary.
She recently called my wife asking if we can help them pay their car insurance bill, because her hours have been cut and she can “only” work 60 hours a week.
My wife is upset about this. She’s always felt bad for her mother; her father had always been the primary earner and spender.
She wants to help pay their bills.
I’m uncomfortable with this. Neither she nor her mother is confrontational, and her father won’t listen to either of them when they ask him to search for a job.
My in-laws’ financial situation is none of my business, but I don’t want to subsidize his apathy indefinitely.
What should we do? — Strapped Son-in-law
Dear Strapped: Your in-laws’ financial situation is your business. They made it your business when they asked you for money.
Your mother-in-law sounds like a very hardworking person, but if her hourly wage can’t keep the household afloat, the four of you should sit down together and go through their bills.
This will be an uncomfortable session, but despite the emotion involved you two should try to see this situation as the result of choices they have made; it is within their power to change their situation by making different choices.
If your father-in-law isn’t willing to work, then the only way to manage their household differently would be to cut their expenses. One cut would be the cost of get-rich-quick seminars.
Dear Amy: Recently my future daughter-in-law was given a bridal shower.
It has been two months since the shower, and my sister, my niece and I have not received thank-you notes for the gifts we gave her.
My mother taught my sister and me to be very conscientious about writing thank-you notes, and we passed this practice down to our children, although I must say my boys are not very good at this.
My sister and niece have hurt feelings that they haven’t been thanked.
I know it’s not my responsibility to say anything (I’m really good at being a caretaker and try to back off) but wish she would write her notes before the wedding.
Your advice? — Future MIL
Dear Future: You needn’t represent your sister and niece’s views, but you have a viewpoint too, and you also haven’t been thanked.
You can flag your concern by offering to help her: “Wendy, I know you’re busy planning the wedding — so are you having trouble getting your thank-you notes in the mail from the shower? I’d be happy to help if I can.”
You say your sons “are not very good at this,” despite your careful coaching.
You should ask this son to get good at it, however.
And then you’re done. These two are adults, and their rudeness is their responsibility.
Dear Amy: “Disgruntled Granny” was worried by her friends’ intrusive cellphone rudeness.
After many attempts of explaining and demanding more courteous cellphone habits from my boyfriend, I resorted to continuing my conversation with him despite the phone to his ear, matching the loud “cellphone volume” he always used.
He finally grasped how rude he was being, and the cellphone problem stopped.
However, this small issue was an indicator of many bigger ones, and so I am now happily married to someone else. And he is polite! — Disgruntled Also
Dear Disgruntled: This gives new meaning to the term “dropped call.”
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