Dear Margo: Eleven years ago, I divorced my son’s father. Since then, everything in my life has gone right. I met a great guy and remarried, my new husband adopted my son, we bought a house in the country, and I have the job of my dreams. All has been wonderful.
At the end of my marriage to “Ray,” I knew he was cheating on me: He didn’t come home at night, stayed away much of the time and would pick fights for nothing, but the kicker was that one night I found them sitting in her car in our driveway at 3 a.m. I directly asked him, and he would always deny it. “She’s just a friend,” or “I needed a ride home from bowling.” I never dwelled on it and moved past it a long time ago. Or so I thought.
This past weekend, something was brought to my attention. My ex’s girlfriend (yes, the one from my driveway) had an interesting “Anniversary Date” listed on her Facebook profile. Her profile says that she’s “In a relationship with Ray,” and their anniversary date is almost 10 months before I left him and a full 6 months before I told him I wanted a divorce. Why would she publicize the fact that she was dating a married man? Why is this bothering me? — Edna
Dear Ed: To your first question, women who date married men and then “get them” think they have won. They do not look too closely at what they have won, but that’s the way they feel. Her Facebook flaunting is her idea of victory. As to why you care, the answer is that you are assigning your values to someone who clearly doesn’t share them. A small element of your looking backward may be residual embarrassment and anger that you got played. But look at your life now, give thanks, and give up checking her Facebook page. — Margo, conclusively
Grandparents Aren’t Indentured Servants
Dear Margo: My son married an older woman, and we accepted her as part of our family. She has older children whom we also accept and enjoy. Now we have a new grandson. My son lives 50 miles from our house. They would like me to baby-sit for them, but they refuse to bring the baby to my home (even though my son works 10 miles from my house). I offered to pick up the baby from his workplace, but they do not want him here. Their plan is to have me drive out there and spend the day at their house.
I have a comfortable home and enjoy my house. Going to their house with their dogs, etc., isn’t as easy. I want to see the baby weekly, but I do not want to drive 100 miles daily. Besides, I am the person giving my time and effort (for free), and they don’t want to meet me halfway. As it is now, we always have to bend to do everything they want for holidays, etc. We gave our son everything — paid for college, bought him cars, let him be his own person. We never dictated to him. We accepted his marriage. — Just Want Things To Work
Dear Just: There is no give here, and I suspect you may not see your grandson as often as you would like. I think being asked to drive 100 miles a day when there is a more equitable solution possible displays a passive-aggressive, if not hostile, attitude on the part of your d-i-l. (And shame on your son for letting her name the terms.) Perhaps when they hear a no-can-do from you, they may reconsider their demands — to which I hope you will not bow. — Margo, assertively
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
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